Archive for 2011

Of Arseholes, ShitEaters, MF's and Traffic Cops !!!

I guess being a Traffic Cop in Bengaluru is the worst job in the world.
Worse than Pimping your own Mother and sister.
Oru Maanam Ketta Pozhappu ...

The reason why I am seething with rage is because of this video -



The Traffic Constable is bullying the lady like hell..
And the worst part is someone is telling the lady - "Don't argue with the cop" - Thoo...
Ivanellam enna pannalaam..
(Tying a 2 kg weight balls to his and make him stand the whole day - sounds like a good option BTW.)

The best comedy is later in the video..
Eppadi Eppadi ? Pillion Rider must also wear Helmetaama ..
Aiyyo Aiyyo .. This guy seems to be a Modern Day Saami's Traffic Constable.
Kannada theriyala na ? Enna Venumnaalum Pesuvaanaama ?
Some one is going to show him a "Moone Mukkal" Some day, Otha annikku thaan ivanukku buthi vara poguthu...

Ngothaa Dei ..


And If you have a problem with the language of this post - Before you even comment - See if you can take some action against that Traffic Cop - Otherwise you are free to STFU.

Friday, December 30, 2011 by Hari
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STAR Vijay's Programs - One Big Rant

To say it in one word - Its a SCAM.

To say it in some more words - We fed this monster and now its eating us.

I read this on a fb profile and was tempted to comment there. I refrained.

"கோடீஸ்வரர் நிகழ்ச்சியும், அம்பானியின் நம் கோமனத்தை உருவும் தந்திரமும்.........ஆம் இந்த நீங்களும் வெல்லலாம் ஒரு கோடி நிகழ்ச்சியில் பன்னும் தகிடுதனம் பற்றிய முழு அவேர்னஸ் ஆர்டிக்கள்... விஜய் டீவி நிகழ்ச்சியில் அம்பானி என்கிருந்து வந்தார்னு கேக்குறிங்களா, இந்த நிகழ்ச்சியில் ஒரிஜினல் தயாரிப்பாளர் அம்பானியின் கம்பெனி "பிக் சினர்ஜி" எனும் நிறுவனம் தான். ஏற்கனவே ஸ்டார் நிறுவனத்தின் தலைவர் பன்னிய ஃப்ராடுதனத்தால் அதன் பிரிட்டிஷ் நிறுவன சி ஈ ஓ சிறைக்கு இரண்டு மாதத்திர்க்கு முன் தான் சென்றார். இப்பொழுது இவர்கள் அம்பானி கம்பெனியுடன் சேர்ந்து நடத்தும் பகல் கொள்ளை தான் " நீங்களும் வெல்லலாம் ஒரு கோடி" நிகழ்ச்சி.....

முதலில் இவர்கள் கேட்கும் கேனைத்தனமான கேள்விகளுக்கு நீங்கள் குறுஞ்செய்தி அனுப்பவேண்டும் அதை அனுப்ப ரூபாய் 3 முதல் ஐந்து வரை வசூலிக்கப்படுகிறது அது போக அவர்களை தொடர்புகொள்ள சில ஸ்பெஸல் நம்பர்கள் உள்ளன இது ஒரு நிமிடத்திற்க்கு ரூபாய் 6.99 வரை சார்ஜ் செய்யபடுகிறது.... இவர்கள் தினமும் 30 - 35 கோடி வரை இந்த குறுஞ்செய்தி மற்றூம் டெலிபோன் காலில் சம்பாதிகின்றனர். அதாவ்து பப்ளிக் டெலிபோனிலிருந்து நீங்கள் போன் செய்தால் அது செல்லாதாம், ஆபிஸில் இருந்து போன் செய்தாலும் செல்லாதாம், வீட்டில் மட்டும் இருந்துதான் போன செய்யவேண்டுமாம் அப்பதான் உங்கள் டெலிபோன் பில்லில் இந்த கொள்ளை சார்ஜ் வரும் நீங்களும் பணம் கட்ட வேண்டும்.... இது ஒரு லாட்டரி பிஸினஸை விட மிக பெரிய கொள்ளை ஆம் 35 கோடி இதன் மூலம் வருமானம் மற்றும் விளம்பரம் எல்லாம் சேர்த்து ஒரு நாளைக்கு 40 கோடிக்கு மெல் வருமானம், இதை நம் தமிழ் ஹீரொ வக்காலத்து வாங்கும் காரணம் அவருக்கு டெய்லி ஒரு கோடி ரூபாய் அதனால் நம்ம மக்கள் முட்டாள் ஆனால் அவருக்கென்ன கவலை தமிழனுக்கு இந்த படம் பார்த்தால் திமிறு வரும்னு சொல்லி மிளகாய் அரைச்சாச்சு இப்ப இந்த குறுஞ்செய்தி, ஸ்பெஸல் நம்பர் டெலிபோன் கால் மூலம் தினமும் கொள்ளை, இதில் குளிர்காய்பவர்கள் அன்றாடம் காய்ச்சிகள் இல்லை அம்பானியும், முட்ராக்கும், சூர்யாவும்தான்.

இந்த 37 பக்க கேமின் டெர்ம்ஸ் அன்ட் கன்டிஷன்ஸ் (Terms & Conditions) படியுங்கள் (www.asknagravi.com/orukodi) அப்புறம் நீங்கள் முடிவு செய்யுங்கள், இல்லை நான் என் காசை கரியாக்கியே தீருவேன் என்று கங்கனம் கட்டி கொண்டு குறுஞ்செய்தி அல்லது கால் பண்ணினால் "ஒன்னும் செய்யமுடியாது". உண்மையிலே அறிவு சார்ந்த நிகழ்ச்சியாக இருந்தால் எதற்க்கு இந்த ஸ்பெஸல் நம்பர் டோல்ஃப்ரீ நம்பர் அல்லவா கொடுக்க வேனும்..... தயவு செய்து வீட்டில் இருக்கும் டெலிபோனை பூட்டி வையுங்கள், குழந்தைகளுக்கு எடுத்து சொல்லுங்கள் போன் பண்னவேண்டாம் என்று மொபைல்களை தெரியாதவர்களிடம் கொடுக்க வேண்டாம்.... தயவு செய்து எவ்வளவு முடியுமோ அவ்வளவு பகிருங்கள் மக்களுக்கு உண்மைகளை எடுத்து சொல்லுங்கள் நான் பப்ளிக் லிட்டிகேஷன் போட முயற்ச்சி செய்கிறேன்,

இதன் ஆடியோ வெர்ஷனையும் கேளுங்கள்......... நன்றியுடன் நாகராஜன் ரவி 27.12.2011





All this is fine, but why the uproar now ?
Hasn't this been the strategy of every TV Channel in the country since the time Cable TV came to India ?

I do not blame the service providers or the Serial's producers. Why ? Why should I blame them ? When we are the ones to be blamed...

We want entertainment.
We want Filmstars to come on TV Shows and mingle with the Public.
We want some real-life Drama with lots of azhugai and wisumbal.
We are willing to pay for it. (Atleast that's what I assume)

Cable TV ellam Tamizhnaatukku varathukku munnadiye - DoorDarshanla Maapillai alangaramnnu sollitu - Neraya thanga nagaigala parisa kudukkala ? Just imagine this - These were the Pre 1996 days when mobile Phones were entering the Indian market (One Black Coffee Please - Era) - when people used to book Trunk calls to talk STD and those with limited STD used to count minutes when someone else used to talk via them. People used to call DD and tell the answers and then the unfortunate many would send in their answers (only "Pottikkaana Thabaal attai" will be accepted - that DD Director will say) and then "kulukkal muraiyil" they will select. Ithellam ennathu ? Lottery thaane ? Ponzi Schema ? Kaettaa - This is a game of Luck and not skill nnu dialogue ellam viduvaanga ...

After DD, Sun TV started this practice. Yaen, Sarath Kumar Varala - Naan Ready .. Neenga Ready a ? Sollitu .. Appo enga ponaa unga Tamizhan ? Enga pochu ungalukku Buddhi ? Enga pochu unga Poruppunarchi ? Kodeeswaran Muthiraiya payanpaduthunuma ?

4 Lakhs worth jewellery. 10 Lakhs worth Car and other gifts. Raj TV followed suit. Everybody had contests. Government saw this as an awesome opportunity. Even the reviews of TV Serials had to be sent in only on Pottikkaana Thabaal Attai - The Government minted money in this exercise as well.

I do not know what happened but slowly this Deepavali Bumper Gift giving practice stopped. But by then other modes of competition stepped in. SMS and Phone Calls started their own trend. Telecom operators also saw this as an awesome opportunity. They started giving "special numbers" kaettaa - corporate connections - multiple lines etc nnu they gave lot of gas.

Now that the TV Channels had the Telecom Operators under their thumb - who also gave them a fair share of their earnings - the game began in full swing and has been continuing ever so.

Another Rant here...

Case in Point - SuperSinger

STARVijay has an amazing rotation policy. First 6 months of the year - it will run the Adults Super Singer - the next 6 months it will run the Junior Super Singer. Regular Income guaranteed. And guess who is the title sponsor ? Of course, another Major Telecom Service Provider.

First 6 months - The adults will tell all their friends and families to watch the program.
The Second 6 months - The kids will tell all their friends and school teachers and an entire set of schools will watch the program. And the kids parents will call up their onnu vitta maama and chithappa's in America at 3 and 4 in the morning IST to tell them to view their son/daughter's singing that Friday.

The hardly 3 week (21 Day) show is dragged and stretched across for 6 months (21 Weeks) -
that includes
Profiling of the singer's dog.
His wardrobe.
How many baniyan jattis he has.
How many holes the singer's father has in his socks
How much abject poverty they are in
How both the parents are working and the singer is so responsible and learning all by himself.
How he is a "chamathu kointhey" and all by half a dozen maamis from Mylapore.
And don't forget those awesome Voice Training Sessions that he will undergo.

Repeat the above process for the top 20 contestants. Quickly eliminate 10 bad singers and 3 good singers. Now the elimination of the 3 good singers will be talked about wildly. More TRP's. More people will send in their SMSe's and Calls to the special numbers. The channel will now know, it has to air more such episodes. While the shooting of those "special" elimination episodes is going on - the channel will air the above mentioned controversial episode [as if it had nothing to do with it] in absolute slow motion with reactions of the parents and public from various angles and their takes on it. Itha vechae oru rendu episode ottidalaam.

Note : The elimination of the 3 good singers is done purposefully. Illana Wild Card Roundla Vaththalum Thothaluma vanthu nikkume. So by cleverly "eliminating" 3 good singers they know that they will have good competition. And imagine this, at the fag end of the season - when they are entering Quarterfinal rounds - it will definitely do good to have the friends and family and relatives of the 5 or 6 eliminated contestants to boost their own TRP's.

Intha kodumai inga mudiyathu illa. It goes further.
The Judge will give some negative comment. Athaiyum slow motionla kaati - apparam singer reactionaiyum slow motion la kaatitu - Parents kitta kaatanum. Then if possible incite a fight between the contestant's parent and the Judge - to make the show more interesting.
Namma makkalukku ithu thaane pidikkum.
Tamizhanaache.
Naama Nandu thaane.
After all, ithaane namma Pozhappu.

Soon there will be 5 singers in the final. Anjume theraathu enbathu vera vishayam. Five singersoda backgroundaiyum marubadiyum podanum. Sentiment Carda play pannanum. Appo thaane vote vizhum. Galla Kattum.

Oru 30 lakhsukku Veedu onnu kudukkaaranaame.. Athula Real Estate Advertise pannravanukkum laabam. He will also sell all of his flats quickly. Kadaisila emaanthathu yaaru ?

Thattula Sothaa vechukittu, Atha Family kooda pesi kazhikkaratha vittutu - aaaaa nnu vaaiya polanthu TV paarkira Tamizhane - Ithuvallavaa un Pozhappu.

Vaazhga Tamizh.
Valarga Nam Makkal.
Valarattum Cable Samraajyam.

If you find any of the above comments to be rude - then do me a favor - go to the IBCC website and book the program under offensive category before even bothering to comment.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011 by Hari
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Don 2 - Poda ! All attai copy, ee adichaan copy only ...

Just finished watching Don2.

Can't believe Farhan Akhtar took 2 years to make this shit. What you make a montage of all the famous movies in town means - you are one big directora ? hunh ?

Phirstu Kaapi - Plate Stealing - Thambi, ithellam naanga A Team padathuliye paarthaachu, Oru Tea Sollitu Kelambu.

Secondu Kaapi - Tom Cruise maathiri mask ellam potta - orey Thrilla irukkumnu nenachaangala ? Kaattu Mokkaiya irunthathu... Aama theriyaama thaan kekkaraen.. If you wear a mask your face will change, agreed, But you will get super-sexy physique and you will become 4 inches taller, this part I never knew. Farhan Akhtar - Sollave Illa... Eppothilurnthu .. ?

Thirdu Kaapi - Mission Impossible Part 1 mathiri - Fire Engine ellam ready pannarthu , Alarm adikka vidarathu, Pressure Sensitive Floor ellam - dai dai.. Alave illlama poidichu da neenga copy adikarthukku ...

Fourthu Kaapi - That last corridor fight sequence - Attai Copy from Matrix. Even the moves are copied !! Ditto Keanu Reeves mathiriyae valippu vantha mathiri SRK will move. You watch na.

Pipthu Kaapi - After the Sunset mathiri, thannikku adiliye swim ellam panni escape aavaraam.. Dai Dai.. Oru padatha vittu vaikka maateengala da.. ?

Side Note : Aama theriyaama thaan kekkaraen.. antha kizhathukku innuma dialogue neenga maathala ? Avan intha padathulaiyum vanthu - "Yeh Naamumkin hai" - "Don ab tum pulice ke hawaale ho" - "Roma, Don ek khatarnaak mujrim hai" - Dai, antha aal paavam da.. konjam respect you can show and give him some new dialogue no..
Mothathula, Farhan Akhtar solla varathu ennanna - Kadaisile Kettavan Vaazhvaan !!
Farhan Akhtar enna Simbu Fan a ?
Yaar Kanda.. Intha mathiri ellam padam edutha, avar Tamizh Padangal thaan inime direct pannanum.

Edit : -

And that scene where SRK blows up a police van - Machi, attai copy from Die Hard 1 - where they send out a laser beam to destroy a tanker. Merry Christmas, Ho, Ho, Ho !!!!

Final Verdict -

If you have not watched any of the movies mentioned above - go and watch the movie - you will enjoy it.
If you have, Don't waste your time. Its bullshit.

Note :- What ? Surprised a ? After this, like this only I will be writing. You want to read means read. :P

Sunday, December 25, 2011 by Hari
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Walter Isaacson's - Steve Jobs

tl;dr - Not impressed.





The book is loooooong and unnecessarily boring. Those who are going gaga over the book, probably haven't read "iCon". This book seems to have shamelessly ripped off pages from iCon. I guess Isaacson's editor was holidaying in Honolulu when he ok'ed the book.

Come to think of it. We already know every single story that we ought to be knowing about Apple's genius. Including that "fewer the chips - more the money" and the way he never told Wozniak about that fees which he never paid Wozniak. The ouster from Apple - among other things.

This book only eulogizes Steve Jobs. I hardly find a mention of the bad Steve Jobs which Isaacson claims to have written about. Not that I did not enjoy reading the book, but going through the same details again and again was a bit painful. I do appreciate the effort that Isaacson took to bring out the book, albeit in quite some haste to time with Steve's death.

The book does not provide any great insights, to me atleast. It's an ok read that just took hell a lot of time to complete.

My take ? - Don't buy it. Read the excerpts from various magazines - they are all out there.

And as for the quotes - One good quote -

Good Artists Copy - Great Artists Steal.

Monday, December 5, 2011 by Hari
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Movies !!!

Watched about half a dozen movies last weekend. One after another.


Vithagan - I liked the movie. A lot. Much better than all that brainless shit that comes out in the name of Tamil Cinema. Parthiban's nailed it in this movie. His sarcasm and the tongue in cheek smile all suit his character. More than his police character - I liked the look and youthfulness of his Rowdy character. But I wish he had not overdone it. The dyeing of hair and the weight reduction, all showed up perfect in the characterisation, but that boyish twinkle could have been avoided. Oru Villain Lookae varala..

On the other hand, Parthiban is a perfect candidate for menancing Villain Roles in Tamil Cinema. I think he can play it big. As for the movie - climax romba overa irunthathu. Till the climax, the story twists and turns fantastically. I loved it. Vithagan is definitely a good watch (compared to all those gems that I watched)

Mayakkam Enna - Kuppai. Itha pathi thaniya oru blog postae podanum - viraivil . Intha commenttkku apparamvum neenga poi intha padatha paarthittu.. ennoda FB Wall feedla - Machi padam supernnu comment panneenga... *tha yerangi vanthu adippaen...

Ides Of March - Everybody is going gaga over it. Pretty much run of the mill stuff. Romba overa hype kuduthirukkaanga... Yeah, George Clooney is super smart. Period.


The Three Musketeers - Nice graphics - Worth a watch - for some wry humor. Good action. All the leading ladies looked quite pretty. The King however looked so effeminate. Can watch for some good timepass.


In Time - Excellent story - but squandered away the advantage by having a pathetic screenplay. This could have been sooooo way better. Starts well and then suddenly loses control over the rest of the story. The climax could have been more clearer.


Unknown - Man.. this one took the cake. Excellent movie. Fantastically tight screenplay with perfect amount of twists and turns. Liam Neeson plays the perfect undercover agent who simply forgets his cover in a freak accident. Totally mindblowing movie. Must Watch !!!



by Hari
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The Clay Pot - Review - Mud Tastes Better !!!

Guys, If you ever want to take out your vengeance on someone - please take them to The Claypot and make them eat their vegetarian fare.

I am being very honest here. Make them eat it. If they don't ... bloody shove it down their throat.
I am not a big stickler for cleanliness and stuff - but when the white cups in which Mirchi Ka Salan and Raitha comes are yellowish brown - owing to oil stains over months together - I felt like puking.

On top of this, the waiter is justifying that this is not the kind of dirt that can go away by repeatedly washing. If you are looking to make a case study on "How to exhibit pathetic Customer Service" - please come here. The waiter doesn't serve - saying its Self-Service !!!

Don't fuckin' order Vegetable Biriyani here !!
It's microwaved. WTF !!!

I am not paying friggin' 140 bucks to eat that microwaved shit. Atleast if that tasted good, I would've kind of swallowed my anger. It tasted like mud.

And don't even get me started on the Chapatti... I would have whole heartedly eaten toasted bread instead of having to eat that chapatti ...

Fuck you guys - if you wanted to run a "parlor" cum "smoking joint" cum "hangout place" cum "make-out-place" cum "ahem-ahem" place for rich kids - please do so. Don't put up a restaurant sign and effing piss me off !!

You don't even have a proper wash-room in place ? WTF !!

BTW - the "Restaurante" in question is next to the "Gymkhana Club" on the LV Prasad Marg - Hyderabad.

AVOID IT LIKE THE FUCKIN' PLAGUE !!!!

Friday, December 2, 2011 by Hari
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Audio Review - Don 2 v/s Ladies (v/s) Ricky Bahl

tl;dr - The winner is Ladies (v/s) Ricky Bahl - by a long long way

Now getting down to nuts and bolts.

Don 2 is nothing but crap. Crappiest is what I would call it. Never thought SEL would come up with something like this - for a film touted to be the most awaited film of 2011 - and for a film that is expected to take a super-duper-bumper-week-long-opening of Christmas + New Year - This has to be Epic Lamest effort of all.

Three of the 9 tracks - are nothing but rehashed versions of - "Mujhko pehchaanlo - main hoon don" from Don (1). The two theme songs are equally lame.

Surprisingly, (lack of any reason) - I am actually livid that this release does not have a single listenable track. What a pity !!! :( :(

On the other hand - Ladies (v/s) Ricky Bahl is a neatly packaged bundle - aimed only at the college going crowd - and for that reason - it rocks !!!

My personal favorite is Jazba - sung by Shilpa Rao (The same girl who sang Udi Udi Ittefaq from Pa) - I somehow find the song to be a tad sensual because of her voice. The remix is nice to listen as well.

Jigar da Tukda - sounds like a "adjust kar lo yaar" that has been forcefully added to the album. Fatal Attraction - fatally does not appeal.

Aadat Se Majboor - Jazba - Thug Le - All three are gems !!

Period.

Saturday, November 19, 2011 by Hari
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What the F**k is the problem ?

You, Yes You !!!

What the F**k is the problem ?
Why do you always have to take people for granted ?
Why is it you never find the time to respond properly ?

Forget me. I've stopped giving you the "f***ing" attention that you crave. Why ? Because, honestly, you cannot give attention to someone and secondly you don't deserve the attention. [This blog is not for venting out my frustration - but its more like a OMG, people are still wishing you for your birthday on your FB page types].

And what is it with this "Oh-I-Treat-These-Guys-Like-Puppies-And-See-How-They-Still-Keep-Running-Behind-Me" treatment you are handing out to guys ? You think that's endearing ? My apologies that I am restraining myself from using the exact word that I wish to use here.

Honestly, You don't deserve nice guys... Not one. LOL - Having 1000+ friends on Facebook is pointless - mainly because its "Face"less. How many have you really really interacted with ? You meet somebody once at some meet, Add him on FB, even share your phone number and then be all "Oh-I-met-him-at-a-meet-da. He's-hitting-on-me-too-much-da." types. Seri..Athaan avan thaan jollu vidaraannu theriyarthulla ... apparam enna avan kooda kadalai vendikedakku ? (Im)Politea FB la unfriend panna vendiyathu thaane ? Illa Call panni solla vendiyathu thaane - Sorry not interestednnu...

How many times do you check email in a day - Once ? Twice ? OK.. Let's just say thrice ? - You cannot respond to an email or what ? By Now, I realise that you cannot respond to an email on time. That is different. Respond- Atleast. What do I call that ? Apathy ? Indifference ?

I've warned you before, I warn you again - This attitude is gonna give you a lot of pain - And I mean the pain-you-know-where. And it will be not be something that you will relish remembering.

I'll tell you what. You will get a good job. And I sincerely pray You get treated like Shit. And by this I mean - real shit. And then you'll realize the importance of "the importance which people give to you."

Just because you've faced certain difficulties in life and life has not entirely been a bed of roses for you - Does not necessarily mean you dole out the same shit to everybody. Agreed. Life has been tough - OK. Agreed. I empathize and sympathize. Now move on. Don't effing give me attitude.

And no, I don't fucking care if its your birthday or not !!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011 by Hari
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"Those who write soft porn should not dream of becoming a cult writer"

That in essence was what Mr. Maranayana Noorthy had to say when he read Betan's Tweet that went, "It is ironic when someone who runs a body shopping company and calls it hi-tech, makes sweeping comments on the quality of IIT students."

Mr Noorthy had only one comment to make, which went, "For someone who makes his living by writing soft-porn, the cult-writer status is almost cringe-worthy."

Our special correspondent reports that lately, Mr. Chagat has been consistently "trying desperately" to hog the limelight, apparently begging for some publicity for his new book, "Bharat Chodo 2020". Apparently the book is all about Chodo, err.. Not the leaving wala Chodo, but about the err... Forget it. Rumors are abound in the market, that the Publishing campaign for the book is going to take the country by storm and that Deepika Publishers have decided to supply one packet of Kohinoor condoms along with every copy of the book purchased.

Insider reports also suggest that there are quite a few "steamy" scenes in the book, which would make great "matter" for a movie.

We can now be sure that Betan is not a name that you can take lightly.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011 by Hari
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Sub(way) Below !!!

Now to start with - This Subway ALWAYS (read as GODDAMN EFFING ALWAYS !!!!) something or the other "Not-In-Stock".

Now before we get into all that, here is the background of what prompted this post.

The exact location of the subway in question is shown below. This is the subway that is present "below" the ICICI Bank branch - Madhapur (which is basically Kondapur).



I have one meal per week at Subway - This is usually the Sunday Afternoon one. And here is what has happened in the past 6 weeks.

6 Weeks back : "Sir, Hearty Italian is not available"


5 Weeks back : "Sir, We have only Honey Oats. All our breads are getting baked."


4 Weeks back : "Sir, Except for Parmesan Oregano and Honey Oat, everything else is available." Why ?. "Sir, no stock available"


3 Weeks back : "Sir, Sweet Onion sauce out of stock sir."


2 Weeks back : "Sir, Aloo Patty(ie) not available Sir."


1 Week back : "Sir, Toaster not working."


Yesterday : "Sir, Toaster not working."


If to get a toaster fixed it takes one Subway 10 days, then shall I pay the cost of my FootLong Veggie Delite in 4 installments ?

The person-in-charge gave me the reason as "Sir, the Technician will come from Delhi and fix it sir. It will take some time."

This attitude of "Adjust kar lo sir.." "Chalega Sir" is what is causing this outrage.

Exactly what do you think of your customers ? Nincompoops ?

First of all, train your staff to behave politely to their customers and to LISTEN to the orders. Each one is dumb in his own right.

At a time when Brands are getting crazy about their reputation online and where every conceivable brand has a Facebook and Twitter Page, here comes our way - You guessed it right !!! SubWay India !!!

Here is a screenshot of their Facebook and Twitter Pages ...





Just imagine this - When Subway in general as a brand has more than 8 million followers, how come SubWay India hardly has an active page ?

And when you try to complain on their subway.co.in site, it takes you to their U.S site, where you have to fill a dozen fields only to get a "404" request or a "Sorry, your data could not be saved."

Seriously ... WTF is going on ?

To sum it up, this is incompetency, impotency and lethargy at its very best. Way to Go SubWay !!!!

Sunday, October 2, 2011 by Hari
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Qvendo, 50 Grand and 1 Crazy Buyer !!!

This post is written in response to the Qvendo's - If you had 50,000 what would you buy from Qvendo and why ?
All Descriptions of art and artwork are real and exist.


50 Grand for shopping. Just Imagine !!! And to shop at Qvendo, boy, I'd actually kill to get to do that.

For THE Man (that's me :) )

I liked the White and Rose Shirt - Perfect for a Saturday Brunch with my girl and her friends. Gives me that cool and classic edge. This has pretty stiff competition from Armani's dark demin jeans - Now that's a killer combination !!! So the end result of that exercise would look something like this....



Hey this jeans needs an awesome belt and what better than a Lawrence Grey ? And luckily there is still ONE belt left in the category which I believe is providence smiling upon me, and so I quickly grab one. Now let's see what we've got... Hmmm.. Pretty Impressive.



Now A man like that cannot go without a coat, can he ? And what better than theSack Coat by Tommy (yes.. of Hilfiger fame :P)



Let me see, I think a pair of shadeswill give me this "Don't take me lightly baby" look. So here it goes into my collection.



Now to pay for all that long elaborate lunch that I am planning with my girl, I need to have an elegant wallet to show off, isn't it ? After all Isn't a man known by how he carries his money in his wallet (never mind, I invented that). So here goes a Porsche into my collection.



And after all this is done, you don't expect me to walk bare-footed to a luncheon where my girlfriend's been waiting to introduce me to her friends. Do you ?

Let's complete the man (err... No pun intended) So here goes a Hamlet Derby Shoe - I prefer the Vintage Grey version. It goes well with the Dark Denim Jeans and does not make me look like as if I stepped right off the street.



Now, let's calculate.

Armani Jeans | Valentine Shirt | Tommy Hilfiger Sack Coat | Hugo Boss Shades | Lawrence Gray Belt | Porsche Cognac Purse | Hamlet Derby Shoe


Sigh.. Quite a list ain't it ?

Now with no offense to MasterCard

Armani Jeans and Valentine Shirt - 14,100 Rupees
Hamlet Derby Shoe, Porsche Purse, Lawrence Gray Belt - 16,400 Rupees
Tommy Hilfiger Sack Coat and Hugo Boss Shades - 17,500 Rupees
Total : 48,000 Rupees


Expression on my face when I imagine myself wearing all of this - WoW that's 50 Grand well spent :)
The smile on my girlfriend's face when she'll introduce me to her friends - PRICELESS !!!

P.S :- If you are wondering what happened to the other 2K , I'd buy this (an antique Silver Purse) for my girl. :P



Now, THAT is an awesome way to spend 50 Grand in 10 minutes.. :) :D

P.P.S :- All references to people(read - girl, girlfriend, lady) are fiction and merely co-incidental !!! :P

Saturday, October 1, 2011 by Hari
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Mujhse Fraandship Karoge - Audio Review

First Things First, Hats Off to Raghu Dixit for living up to his name and composing the music for this movie.

Pick of the Album for me would be - Dheon Dheon (Oh Yes, It is THE most epic awesomest song that I've heard this year)
This was be followed by Uh-Oh-Uh - This is the sweetest song of the lot. Very Very Cute. Interesting use of vocals.
Baatein Shuru - is different. Its some sort of a rebellious song. I like the usage of guitar(?).
Choo Le - Looks like to be a rehashed version of "Scotty Doesn't Know" for the first one minute - But it makes up for it later. Not Impressed though.
Har Saans Mein - Typical Raghu Dixit - Sounds a lot like - Hey Bhagwan - His own composition. But come on, give the man his credit, his vocals are enough to put any doubts to rest. He is here to Stay !!! :)
Uh-Oh-Uh Remix is like hacking-murdering-and-chain-sawing of the Original Song. Same comments for Choo Le Remix as well.


Overall an excellent Album - Hats off to Raghu Dixit.

And Yes, I do rate it higher than Ra. One. - 9/10 :) :D

Edit : Added as an afterthought - Uh-Oh-Uh sounds slightly like "Natchatira Paravaikku from Paramasivan(?)"

Friday, September 23, 2011 by Hari
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Ra - One -- Pretty Good !!

Listening to Ra One songs now.

I do not see the rationale for releasing 5 (yes, you read that right, its F.I.V.E) versions of Chammak Challo - Seriously ? Vishal-Shekhar, Are you so desperate to make that song a hit ?
It sounds nice and definitely is going to be the chart-buster.

But My pick of the Album is Dildaara... It's very...ummmm what's the word ? Different ?
Yes, I'll settle with that.

Criminal IS going to be the most-played song in Discos this last quarter of the year.

Another surprising pick of the album is Bhare Naina - It's very soothing - I guess there is a heavy Coke-Studio influence. :P

Right By Your Side - is something like - Kal Ho Na Ho - there has to be one Happy-Go-Lucky Track in SRK movies - otherwise Image Damage right ? :P

Raftaarein - Pathetic.

Jiya Mora Ghabraye - In the attempt to create something creative, they've botched this one completely - Heavily "inspired" by the MATRIX SoundTrack.

Light Theme - This is shameless actually, Imagine Mission Impossible Theme + James Bond Theme together, played with something that sounds like a chant. The least they could have done was to avoid that Dhan-Te-Nan Feel to it. And what was that part of including Tipu-Sultan music as well ?

I'm On - seems to be a continuation of the Light Theme - looks like they forgot to put the two together.

15 Songs ...

- Out of which 5 Songs are the same song. So count that as One song. (5/1)
- Criminal has two tracks - Count that one as well.(7/2)
- Dildaara, Bhare Naina, Right By your side, Raftaarein, Jiya mora Ghabraye - (12/7)
- 3 Theme songs - none of which sound impressive to me - so not counted.

So basically we have an album of 7 songs. Of which you can say 5 are really good. :)

I give it 8/10 - purely for the intelligent packaging.

by Hari
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"I may never get laid, but I will not stop watching Porn." - Betan Chagat



You can hate the collection at debonairblog.com or compare it to IndiaOfTimes site, but one thing you cannot do is to ignore the Satan, err.. We meant Betan Chagat. It was more than evident in the kind of reception he got at the "India Watches Porn - A Brief History of Time since Vatsyanan to DesiBaba." It was befitting that of a pornstar and why not ? After all, for the kind of books he has written, He has probably done to millions of Indians what Pamela Anderson did to Stacked - Helping people Get off. Err.. Let's not get into more details of this now.

Speaking on his journey as a writer (which he claims himself to be) Chagat spoke about the publisher whom he first met, and who also published his first book. "Indians cannot write good "stuff"" was the general opinion at the time. And this Publisher, who borrowed his manuscript, called up at 4 in the morning to buy the rights. Chagat recalls, "He was so excited. He was jumping with joy literally. He said, I am getting off right now. But you come and meet me tomorrow in office. I think he meant getting off the taxi or something." He paid me 400 rupees for the manuscript. I called it The SeedMaker - He called it Mastram. The name stuck, and they began to be known as Mast-ram ki kahaaniyaan."

He said that there was a huge pressure on him to perform. When he expressed his interest in writing in Hindi, his editor was aghast, but thanks to Twitter and Facebook comments, his editor had to back out. "That was a moment when I connected with the masses. I mean, they wanted that stuff. Yes, sometime people criticize that I do not provide them quality stuff. But then, I don't just serve the elite audience. My readers need variety - so I write. My characters range from the common mazdoor's longing and banging err... sorry, pang-ing, to the uber-cool youth on the roads of Mumbai. But Let me make it clear, I do not expect appreciation for doing this. I may not get laid, but that does not mean, I will stop watching porn." Chagat said amidst loud cheering by his fans.

Chagat talked about his new book -- India Chodo 2020 -- coming out soon. The title goes with the tagline of "Chodo Chodo aur Chodo". He explained that it was a book unlike his earlier ones. It deals with how these three things (hunh?) drove the youth and those coming from small towns. He also dwelt in great detail about the dilemma facing the youth -- whether to do "it" or not to do "it". Unfortunately, he said, that such a question arose because of the structure of the society. "Why should doing it be any different ?" He said that he was hoping that things will change and soon people will start selling his books on trains and buses.

He felt strongly about the lack of good writers in the subject. He felt that only 10% of the audience had access to good material and the others were left at the mercy of fan fiction or every other Tom, "Dick" and Hari's imagination.

Chagat said that he has achieved success and knows that he can entertain people. Now he wants to challenge himself and see whether he can change the thinking of the people. He is writing controversial and thought provoking stories. "I am not here to put people to sleep, but to shake them out of slumber, excite them, make them do it ". Chagat has also been invited by Dr. Sivaraj Sivakumar (of Raj TV Fame) for giving motivational talks to his patients and providing "medical relief" to his patients. "I am glad my books are helping patients." Chagat says with a smile.

About what drives him, Chagat says that one needs to have an "eye" for things and note things in detail. Being a "youth icon" he said, put certain pressures on him. "They do not want me to write genuine romantic literature. I will write about sex scenes because I like. I want the creative freedom. I don't have to write a moral science book. WTF."


This article was "inspired" by This. B.R.I.N.G I.T. O.N !!! :) :D

Wednesday, September 21, 2011 by Hari
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50 Things we learnt from Hollywood movies... :)

An old forward, but funny nevertheless... :)

1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

8. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

9. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

10. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

11. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

12. A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober.

13. If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.

14. If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you.

15. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned partners who are their total opposite.

16. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

17. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

18. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

19. Computers never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.

20. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving.

21. All watches and clocks are synchronized to the second.

22. No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail.

23. Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from. Even aliens from outer space, despite the fact they have never been to Earth, seen an Earthling, or even heard of Earth or Earthlings.

24. No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it.

25. There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.

26. No matter how dead you think you’ve killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least three more times.

27. People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they’re usually dead within minutes.

28. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

29. Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms… and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours.

30. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings — especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

32. Cars that fly off cliffs spontaneously combust in midair for no apparent reason.

33. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

34. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

35. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

36. Close blood relatives usually look nothing like each other, or have only a passing resemblance.

37. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds — unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

38. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

39. An electric fence that’s powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

40. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

41. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

42. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

43. If you are trapped in a tunnel, in a sinking ship, or a burning building, a cute little girl, a nun, and a feisty granny will be trapped with you.

44. All writers are wealthy; all publishing companies are glamorous; all artists are self-supporting and have large attractive well-lit loft studios.

45. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

46. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

47. If an expert makes a prediction and is disbelieved, then it will come to pass exactly as he predicted. If he makes a prediction and is believed, it won’t happen.

48. If there is a large bump in a downhill road, a speeding car will fly over it and hit the ground in shower of sparks. Unsecured passengers will not be injured, and no tire damage, broken axles, or suspension failures will occur. The car will then execute a sharp turn involving a skid.

49. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.

50. Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.

Thursday, September 8, 2011 by Hari
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59 ? - Seriously Indiblogger ?

A couple of minutes back I received a mail from Indiblogger Team about my IndiRanking.


The mail, (gleefully) noted the fact that most ratings have gone down on Indiblogger and it was not a matter of concern.

The actual text was
If your rank has decreased by 5-6 points for no apparent reason, don't worry, as it has dipped for 70% of the blogs on IndiBlogger after the upgrade.

IndiRank has been upgraded!
IndiRank now incorporates mozRank, which makes it more reliable and dynamic.


And I was like, LOL ...

What BS !!!

I do not know what rationale Indiblogger does to rank their blogs. The explanation given here is comical, In fact I find it quite childish, rather immature.

I do not know about other bloggers, but am sure, that am not gonna post any more things on Indiblogger. And nor am I displaying their widget on my blog either...

My Ranking has slipped from a one time high of 79 to a paltry 59. From among the top 125 Personal blogs on Indiblogger, to being somewhere in the thousands.

Reason why I am pissed.
Last month, I received highest traffic for my "Date a Guy Who Reads". It was cross-referenced (more than 2000 times) from Tumbler, Other Blogs, FaceBook (CoinJoos had shared it), and as well as on StumbleUpon. That page alone contributed to more than 6000 pageviews and Indiblogger has conveniently chosen to push the ranking down.

My PageView count has gone up from a nothing 48K to a whopping 59K in just a month !!! Boss, this is more traffic than most of the top blogs in your 100 list. Duh !!!

EKSI !!!!

Friday, August 26, 2011 by Hari
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How He Met My Mother - Sundaran Neeyum, Un Maamiyaar Veedum

Author's Note :: Kathaikkum Titlekkum Enna Sambandamnnu enkitta Ketkaatheenga !!
I decided that "this" was going to be the the title of this post, after a conversation that I had yesterday with the protagonist of this story. Some other titles that I had initially thought of were

Sundaran Neeyum, Thiruvaathirai Kaliyum

Arudra Darsinamum, Thiruvaathirai Kaliyum

Jaathagamum - Thiruvonam Avittam Sathayamum.

Paththula Guruvum, Ashtamathu Saniyum.

Roatla pora Saniyanum, Atha Baniyanla Vitta Kathaiyum.


(Er.. Forget the last one.. its already reserved for another post. :P)

But I preferred the one which I have right now..But come-on, Does it really matter ? :) :D
BTW, the real Sandhya Hates "How I Met Your Mother" :P

Sundaran Neeyum, Sundari Nyaanum - Part 1

The story so far...
Sandhya and Ravi have "fallen" for each other. Sandhya confides her love to her Amma, who (in the most indirect way) puts it across to her Appa. Her father agrees to see Ravi, and warns Sandhya that he will OK the varan only if he and Amma are completely satisfied with the boy's nature.

Ini ...

Saturday vanthathu ...

Amma toh bilkul tip-top dressed up. From 12 PM enga Amma appadiye, arakka parakka dressing thaan. Saturday anikku special Facial ellam vera. I was gaping at her. She didn't even dress up like this for events in her college.
"Ennadi paarkara ?"
"Paro, ennathu ithellam ?" Sometimes, I call my Amma by name, on days I think, we really bond -which is perhaps like Eid-ka-chaand types. Her name is actually Parvati and Appa actually used to call her Paro, during their courting days and for the period, till I was born. The only good thing is, after getting married, Appa didn't pick up the bottle. I picked it up from there - err.. not the bottle, and called Amma Paro, in typical Dilip Kumar and SRK ishtyle.
"Hey, chumma iru di..."
"Chic-nnu dress, kazhuthula necklace, thalaiyila dye, Paro, unna paartha yaarume, unakku 45 aayiduthunnu solla maata..."
"Adi vaanguva.. 44 thaan aagarthu..."
"Athu seri.. Ethukku ivlo make up ellam ? Ravi, enna thaane paarka varaan..."

Amma picked it up almost immediately, and I corrected it an instant too late .. "varaaru... varaaru.."
"Inga paaru di... Neenga ungalukkula enna venumnaalum konjikonga, vada-poda, jaanu, chellam, sweetheart, kondhey, enna venumo kooptuko, aana enga munnadi, intha konjarathu ellam vendaam..."
I knew Amma was a lecturer, but she was so-up-todate with college lingo, yeh toh mujhe pata hi nahin tha.
I was totally red in the ears.
"Enna ? puriyartha ?"
"Hmmm.."

If I thought this was embarrassing, I was totally totally wrong. The worst, as they usually say, was yet to come.
And Amma was already playing mind-games.

Ravi came. Apdiye Pazham maathiriyae vanthaan. Thank God !! Varna toh, Amma would have munji suzhichified.
Waise this is another thing, that If Ravi came wearing Pattai and Veshti, she will say, "Ennadi ithu, Kovil Archagar mathiri vanthirukkaan"nnu..
My Amma introduced my Appa to Ravi.
"Ivar thaan enga aathukaarar, Sandhya oda Appa - Mr. Subramanian. "
"Hi Uncle, I'm Ravi !! "
"Hello"

Then there was this awkward silence.
"I am working in Satyam as Senior Technical Analyst"
"Oh !!"
- That was my father. Aetho naanga yaarume avar kitta sollatha maathiriyum, avarukkae ippo thaan theriyavarra mathiriyum.
"Satyama ? Fraudu Company !!!" vera yaaru, enga Amma.

Round 1 - Score ::
Amma = 150 for hitting the First Ball for a Six and for taking "enemy at the gates" by surprise, + Bonus 10 points for using the "u" at the end of Fraud to make it totally Tam-Brahmical.


Ravi almost laughed. It was actually a condescending sirippu. I toh was totally face-palming. Amma hates people smirking.
"Fraud company ellam illa aunty..."
"Pinna ennapa, ithana perukku velai poiduthey..."
"Yethana perukku velai pochu unga companyla..."
- Enga Appa.
"Enakku therinju oru 300 peru iruppa uncle"
"Sambalam ellam correcta vaangariya pa ?"
- Enga Amma.
I felt like saying, Nahin, yeh khane peene ke liye ATM se paise churata hai.
"Athellam correcta thaan vaangaraen Aunty" - asattuthanama oru sirippu.
Amma hates to be called Aunty. Meri galti ki I didn't warn Ravi about this.

Round 2 - Score ::
Ravi = -25 for laughing condescending first, another -25 for that asattu sirippu, another -25 for calling Amma, Aunty.


Wanting to extend the conversation a little longer.
"Neenga enna panreenga Uncle ?"
"Avar Director, AppSoft"
"AppSofta ... Kelvi pattaa mathiryae theriyalae..."

Appa's face toh like raisin sukudufied. Amma was Surajmukhi murjhafying.
"Err... It's a startup" apdinnu my Amma covered up.
"Hmm.. Neenga enna panreenga Aunty ?"
Normally, if someone asks my mother where she worked, she'd say "Working as a Lecturer."
But yahaan toh izzat ka sawaal tha. And Hone-wale-Daamad ke saamne toh, bilkul no-vittukuduthfying. Ponnu aathukkaaraanna onnum salaichava illa.
So Amma Says, "B.Tech, Civil Engineering - Government College of Engineering, Tirunelveli"
Background musicum, Padayappa Ramya Krishnan style la Kaal-mela-Kaal pottu sollaalathu mattum thaan korai, matha badi, epdi irunthathunaa... Saami padathula, Vikram "AaruChamy - Deputy Comissioner of Police, Thirunelveli City" nnu solra mathiri irunthathu.
"Presently working as Lecturer in A.Q Engineering College." she completed.
Ravi was like shocked. "Oh.!!!" avlo thaan. It was Ravi's munji-chinnatha-poiduthu moment.

Round 3 - Score ::
Ravi = -100 for kichad uchaalofying on Appa's company. Another -25 for Second usage of Aunty. Net score = -125
Amma = +500 points for successfully Nilai-Naatufying-Ponnu-Aathukkaara-Maanam.


Oru Ball kooda vilaiyaadama HitWicket aana orey batsman, en Raviya thaan irukka mudiyum. I was toh totally kanna kaatufying. FacePalm onnu mattum thaan pannala. But as they say, if it is gonna happen, its gonna happen.

"Entha collegela padicheenga ?" My Appa was giving mariyathai and all. To the outsider toh aisa lagega ki he was giving all respect. But in reality, he was being sarcastic.
"IIT-Madrasa ? Illa Kharagpur a? IIT Kanpurna vasadhiya pochu ... En Naathanar ponnu, Sulochanavum anga thaan padikara"
"IITya ? Aiyyayo, IITkkum enakkum romba thooram Aunty. Naan IITlam padikala."
"Appo CEG Campusa ?"

The Blank look on Ravi's face said it all.
Two pairs of eyes look at each other in total understanding. No, those were not that of mine and Ravi. They were actually Amma and Appa's. I could almost see their eyes smirking.

Round 4 - Score ::
Appa = 20 for initiating the "oppukku-chappani" conversation.
Amma = 50 + Bonus 25*2 for nozhachufying IIT and Anna University in the conversation + 25 for bringing in the uravukaara angle in it as well. Total Score = 125
My Chellam - Yet to open Account.


"Appo enga padicheenga ?" Again mariyathaiyaamaa - enga Appa.
"Mona engineering college, uncle."
"Mona Engineering collega ? Where on earth is that ?"
that was my Amma. With All Bhaav and Accent. You should see my Amma talk to her students. Athey mathiri she was talking to Ravi. Condescending is actually an understatement.
"Mannargudi Aunty."
"Amma Appa ellam enga irukka ?"
"Sontha ooru Thanjavoor. But ippo Amma Appa ennoda Gurgaon la thaan irukka."
"Oh, Neenga Thanjavura ?"
- Appa was genuinely interested to know that Ravi was from his region.
Amma gave him one morai. And he settled back to the newspaper.
"2008la naanga Thanjavur vanthirunthom. Ivar Mama paiyyanukku Kalyanam anga ... orey puzhuthi... Enga Sandhyakku orey Dust allergy. Hmmm, kalyanam pannindu eppadi adjust panna poralo ... " -My Amma trailed off.
My blood was boiling. This was so unfair. My Chellam was getting hit, left right and centre. :(

Round 5 - Score ::
Appa = +50 but due to "expression of interest in sontha ooru and result of which was Amma's Morai" -50, hence Net 0.
Amma = +100. For successfully keechad uchalofying on the Candidate's home town.
Chellam - Yet to open account in this round as well.

Then Amma continued, "Eppo pa B.Tech mudicha ?"
"Aunty, Naan B.Tech Illa, - B.E"

Round 6 - Score ::
Ravi : -50 (for the obvious reasons)

"Oh, B.Tech Illaya, B.Ea ? B.E - Computer Science is a good course any day you know."
"Aunty, Naan, Computer Science edukalai, Chemical Engineering."

Round 7 - Score ::
Amma : +25 (for Successfully destroying Candidate's credibility and confidence)
Ravi : -50 (for the obvious reasons)


"Hmmm... Eppo pa B.E. mudicha ?"
"2007 la aunty"
"Oh.. ippo thaana... three years back, Hmmm, Theriyuma 2007la thaan Sandhya kooda 10th paas panina..."

Shit. Ippo yaaravathu ithellam kaettala ?

Round 8 - Score ::
Amma : +25 - for successfully making the Candidate aware of his age.


Note :: Ithu varaikkum en Aalu oru score kooda positivea edukkala.
I said, "Amma..!!!!"
"Ennadi, Time evlo fasta poguthunnu sonnaen di.. "

Time to change topic.
"Ravi, Coffee Sapidriya...er... Sapidreengala..." Arey, bahut ajeeb lagta hai rey... Phone pe toh, we've fought and even maa-behn ek kar diya.. ab jaake enna vaanga-pongo-utkaarungo...Bingo Mad Angles Ad ke jaisa... Kuch bhi kya ?
"Illa parava illa"
"Enna parava illa, Amma, konjam coffee pottu konduvaayen.."
"En di, ithu kooda naan thaan pannanuma... Ithellam kathukkaama nee ellam maamiyaar aathukku poi enna koopa kotta poriyo"


Round 9 - Score ::
Amma = +25 (for successfully exposing my inability to cook or do any other kitchen activity). Bonus 50 for vambukku-izhuthifying my udupi mamiyaar. Net Score = 75
[For the uninitiated, udupi ~ corrupted form of "Would-Be"]


"Athellam paarthukkalaam Aunty... Onnum prachanai illa.."
Amma was like .."Oh.. serippa, unakku entha prachanaiyum illa, aana naalaikku unga aathukkaara yengala paarthu keliya pesa maataala ? Samaikka kooda kathu kudukkama, ava amma katti kuduthuttannu ?"
"Seri, ithukku thaan ippo Raviya vara sonniya ?" I asked.
"Sandhya, Ippo nee naduvula pesatha, let us talk.." - My father spoke. Ippo thaan avarukku nyabagam vanthathu pola, avar thaan ponnoda appannu.
When My Appa says, "Let us talk" trust me, it is like kuch bahut bada locha hone wala hai.
The next half an hour my appa was advising both of us. I was only hoping that it would not end up like "Dad Speaks, Ravi Listens and Sandhya Goes On."
For the uninitiated, Read this.
Oru conference roomla Bullet points pottu PPT podala. Bas usi ki kami thi. Mathabadi, all bhaashan only Appa was giving.
He was like, "Un vayasula, I was supporting my entire family. I was working for 16 hours a day. I had only two sets of clothes"
Now it was my Amma, "Pothum Pothum, neenga unga puraanatha start pannatheengo.. Ivar ippdi thaan pa... Yaaravathu kadaichutta pothum, ippadi mokka poda aarambhichiruvaaru..." - Note how Amma used college-lingo "mokkai" in the middle of the conversation. Hip hunh ?
Ravi started giggling. #EpicFail
Udupi Maamanaara kindal panna, as "Hone-Wala-Daamad" he should support na... Ulta, he also laughed.
Enna sollirukkanum.. "Cha cha, athellam onnum illa Aunty... Parava illa Uncle neenga sollungo.."
But what did he do ? He kind of aamothichufied what my amma said, which means, He agreed, that my father was one Mokkai Murugan, err.. Mokkai Subramanian.

Round 10 - Score ::
Appa = +50, for scoring some opening runs. And of course for that "apne-pairon-pe-khade-hona" story.
Amma = +100 for successfully luring the Candidate to the trap and successfully trapping him.
Ravi = -100 for indirectly calling my father a "Mokkai-Murugan" and falling into the trap laid out my mother.

Then of course, Amma was after his Kulam, Gothram, Jatti, Baniyan.
She did not even spare his onnu-vitta-chinna-athai's-maamiyaar's-naathanaar-peran.
End of the conversation she (and myself) realised that Ravi was related to me in a somewhat convoluted way. Irony was that it was not in some "athai-paiyyan", "maama-paiyyan" murai. More like Perippa/Chittappa Paiyyan..
Shit... This was not the way I wanted the conversation to go.
I kanna kaatified to Ravi to change the topic.
And change the topic he did. He looked at the framed photo, behind Amma. It was actually a color photo. And he said,
"Sandhya, you look a lot like your mom in that photo. And you look so beautiful"
I was about to say "Dude, that IS my Mom and yes, she is beautiful."
I was sure, Amma was about to say "Duh", but that is when Ravi had Guru-smiling-from-the-tenth-house in his horoscope.
Amma was all blushing. "He He.. Athu Sandhya illappa, Naan thaan. 10 years back eduthathu..."

Round 11 - Score ::
Amma = -25 (Yayyyy !!!) actually for letting down her guard.
Ravi = + 100 Appada... Finally some respite for Jaanu. Usne mori laaj rakh li. Knowingly or un-knowingly he uchi-kulurnthufied Amma. Hence Chellam opens the account !!! :)

"Oh... Neenga kutcheri ellam pannuvela maami."
I was thinking, "Dai, nee periya aala varuva da.. Correcta nool vidara"
Did you notice how he found out what was the weakest link ? and note the "maami" connect. Smart Guy, varna, how can he patoafy me ? Right na ?
"Kutcheri" and "Maami" were the two key-words that day. Platea kavukkarathu neenga kelvi thaan patturupeenga. I was witness to it that day.
"Acchcho... athellam illa da Kanna... Aetho nalla paaduvaen. Sathagam ellam pannuvaen. Sandhu kooda nalla paaduva.." -
I was thinking, "Kanna va ? Athu seri... Paro... ithellam konjam overa illaya ?"
When Amma is in good mood, she calls me Sandhu. So, it was clear, Amma was on cloud nine.
"Ava paadi naan kettrukaen aun..err.. maami.. Neenga paadi kaettathillai.. Enakkaga oru paattu paadungalen.."
I was thinking, "Ada paavi. Mera Haath maangne aatha hai, aur meri hi mummy pe line maartha hai.. Saala...Ithar kya Bold and Beautiful ka Audition chal raha hai Kya ? Meri Mom koi Desperate Housewife nahin hai.. kuch bhi kya ?"
He looked at me and his expression was like, "Main kya karoon Jaanu, ek ball se kitne sixer maar sakta hoon. Situation ke mutabik, game plan change karna padta hai yaar."
I kannu kaatufied that "Hmmm... seri seri... whatever it is, don't jollu vittufy too much. Her husband is also here."
Then I said to myself, "Beta, tu bahut door ki soch raha hai.. Lage Raho !!!"

Round 12 - Score ::
Amma = -100 for letting her guard down, and succumbing to "aaha-kkaaram".
Ravi = +500 (Massive victory for chellam in this round.. Yayyy !!!), +100 for getting Amma to call him Kanna, - 100 for line adichufying maamiyaar (chiii !!! solrathukkae kevalama irukku .. ) So Net Result +500.


Then toh Amma was like, "Paata ? Naana ?" Amma was like all Nakhra kaatifying.
I was thinking, "Hmmm... Paro, Nadathu Nadathu..."
"Naan paadi romba varusham aachu kanna.. "
I said myself, "Haan Haan... "Bombay"Parvati jo ho aap."
"Aun.. err.. Maami, enakkaga, oru rendu line.."
"Saathagam ellam pannama paadina, nalla irukkaathu pa..."

Ravi was immediately pouting, you know, jaise meri maa ke gaane se uska jeevan dhanya ho jayega types.
Now it was time for me to put an end to this nautanki.
"Amma, Paaden.. Chumma en ivlo bihu pannikira..."
Ravi grabbed the opportunity, "Illa Sandhya, parava illa, Its ok... Enakku kuduthu vechhathu avlo thaannu nenaichikiraen.."
Ada paavi... Inga paarra... Santhula Sindhu paadarathunna ithu thaana ?
"Seri, Aetho Ravi kaettathukkaaga..naan paadaraen"
I thought, "Nalla irukku Paaro, avan kekkara mathiri kekkarathum, neeyum bihu pannikarthum... adadadada.. Maamiyaarum, Marumaganum, Drama company nadathalaam."
I totally forgot Appa in this mess. I guess, He was oblivious to the entire drama. Poor fellow, this was perhaps the first time, since his marriage 20 years ago, that he got 20 minutes all to himself, without having to listen to his pondatti. And trust me, Appa made the best use of this opportunity. He dissolved into the newspaper.

Round 13 - Score ::
Amma = -100 for allowing Ravi to makhan-lagofy her.
Ravi = +100 for making Amma totally palta maarofy. +100 for his superior "grab-the-opportunity" skills. Net Score = 200.
Appa = Retired Hurt.


Then Amma sang. Ravi was totally "aaha-ohofying". I was thinking, "Abbey, chod na.. kyun paka raha hai."
After the song, "Aun..err.. Maami, supera paadareenga... Neenga Kutcheriyae pannalaam.."
Amma was all, "He He.."
I was thinking "All's well that's sings well".

Now that Ravi knew exactly what knobs to turn, he was playing Amma along. Then he threw in the next dhamaka.
"Maami, Antha photola irukaruthu, neenga thaana ?"
"Aama ppa.. Yen kekkara..."
"Illa Maami, 10 years aachunnu sonnengalae, ippo kooda antha photola irukira mathiryae irukeengale, athaan kaettaen.."

Ada paavi.. Muzhu poosanikkava kooda sothula maraichidulaam pola irukkae, ivan panra alambal thaangala da saami...
Now Amma was going to remember this for the rest of her life, making this particular statement as the topic of conversation. And if Ravi and I got hitched, this was going to be heard countless times by my kids. Arrrrggghhhh !!!!
My Amma started blushing. Just Imagine. BLUSHING !!! I was like "WTF". If the conversation had proceeded on the same lines for two more minutes, I would have BPL'ed Ravi myself.
For the uninitiated, BPL --> Bum Pe Laath.
But Amma also onnum chumma illa, "Santhu kooda appo 6th standard la thaan iruntha.."
Athaane paarthaen, Parova kokka... Rendu perum, orutharukkoruthar salaichava illa.

Round 14 - Score ::
Amma = -100 for urugifying for the photo comment. +50 for making comeback and reminding the candidate about this age. Net Score for Amma = -50
Ravi = +200 for successfully trapping the prey into the jaal. [Athavathu, (no-ball) SIX +(extra-ball) SIX !!] -50 for getting the "age-bulb". Net Score = +150.


"Saaptu po kanna... Santhu, saaptu po-nnu sollaen di" - Now toh Kanna was coming in every line from Amma's mouth.
"Illa Aun.. Err.. Maami... Parava illa... Friends ellarum wait pannuva... Naan kelambaraen.."
"Hmmm..Seri ppa.. un ishtam.."
Amma half heartedly let him go.
Actually I am toh totally convinced that she wanted him to taste the sojji-bajji and get "Maami, Supera irunthatu.. Intha mathiri naan saaptathey illa... " makhan only. And Ravi was one Saapattu Raaman... I tell you.. Khair, woh sab baatein baad mein...
"Santhu, poi gate varaikkum kondu vittuva..."
Then, as Ravi descended the steps to our flat, Amma called out from Doorstep,
"Ravi..."
"Maami.. ?"
"Vodka ellam 2 shotskku mela saapta udambukku keduthal. Paarthu... Alavva... Seriya ?"

Ravi asked me under his breath, "Enna di ithu, nee ethavathu sonniya.."
I innocently shook my head. But internally I was happy. Ivan vitta jollukku, ivanukku ithuvum thevai, innumum thevai.
Then Amma delivered the parting shot.
"Next time, Facebookla photosa tag pannum bothu, vaanthi edukura photos ellam tag pannatha pa... Sagikkala..."
Shit. #EpicFail Moment for Ravi. Ravi was totally red in the ears. Amma na Amma thaan.. See how she waited till the last minute. I tell you, "Villathi Villi" only my mom is.
"Ahnnn...Apparam, Sandhya Amma naan kudikaratha kandupidichittannu romba feel ellam pannatha.. Its fine. Intha kaalathu pasanga ... You are bound to be like that." - Apdiye Lecturer impact.

Round 15 - Score ::
Amma = +200 for delivering the final knock-out punch. +50 for being tech-savvy and for stalking her "daamaad". +50 for giving the Lecturer Lecture.
Ravi = -50 for not being able to hide his weakness for Absolut Vodka !! Another -50 for vaanthi-eduthufying and tagging the photo on Facebook. Net score -100.

After all this drama, The final result is

Ravi = 500
Amma = 1025
Appa = Oppukku Chappani.


So it was clear Amma was the Winner of the Show-down !! With Amma delivering more knock-outs than what Ravi did, inspite of all his jollu vittufying and makhan lagofying.

Amma later came to me and said, "Intha paiyyan, enakku OK di. "
I was like "Unakku OK na ? Enakku puriyala. Correcta sollu. Un Purushan kochikka poraaru.."
"Romba pesara di... "
"Seri, vanthavana, er... sorry, vanthavara avlo asinga paduthina apparamavum, oknnu solriyae. Enakku onnum puriyalae..."
"Evlo adichaalum thaangikiraan di... Ivan Romba nallavan di.."


Later, I over-heard, Ravi telling his Best Friend,
"Machaan, Oorula pathu-pathinenju girl friend vechurukkaravan ellam santhosama irukkaan da, orey oru ponna love panni, ava ammava handle panrathukkullaa, naan padara avasthai irukkae... ayoyoyoyoyoyo..."

So, ippadi, enga Amma kittayae Nallavannu pattam vaangina apparam, vera ethukku waiting ?
Next Stop :: (En) Maamiyaar Veedu !!!


I had planned a Part 3 to this series. Which I believe will be the concluding part.
However, I am in no position to say whether Part 3 will be funny or sad or neutral.
If you'd like to read a part 3, please leave a comment !!! :)

Absolutely No Offence Meant to
Engineers from Colleges in Mannargudi,
Folks working in Satyam, and
Tam-Brahms who drink Absolut Vodka.

Chalta hai yaar.. :P :D :)

Thursday, August 11, 2011 by Hari
Categories: , , , , | 10 comments

Interesting Tips to irritate people !!!

I read this off Artlung.com And thought this was hilarious. Hence sharing :) :D

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Staple pages in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

type only in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.

"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Ask people what gender they are.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."



Wednesday, August 3, 2011 by Hari
Categories: , , | 2 comments

Sundaran Neeyum, Sundari Nyaanum

Note 1 :: This is a TRUE story. Of course, I have taken some Literary Liberties here and there.
Note 2 :: Obviously the Character names have been changed.
Note 3 :: Do not be surprised by the usage of Tamil, Hindi and English in the post. I heard the story, And thought it was best to reproduce it in the same manner, as I heard it.
Note 4 :: Non Tamil Friends kindly excuse. Non Tam-Brahm, you may not understand certain terms, that's fine. You are not missing out on anything important. Just the slang.. Just chill...

Amma was like "Ennadi aachu unakku, Kuch bhi kya ?" when I told her about Ravi.
"Amma..."
"Iyer paiyyana ?"
"Aama..."

I toh, definitely saw a twinkle, and the hint of a smile on my amma's face. That was definitely a sign of approval.
"Srivatsa Gotrakaarana ?"
"Illa.."
"Hmmm... Vadamaala ?"
"Aama..."

One more sly smile.
"Hmmm... Amma Appa enna panra ?"
"Appa, PWD Retired. Amma Housewife."
"Kooda poranthava ethana per ?"
Amma was hanging clothes on the clothesline. I was helping her, by passing her the clips.
"Oru Akka, Kalyanam aagi, UK la settled. 4 vayasula, oru paiyyanum irukkaan."
"Hmmm..."

This much if she is asking toh, matlab, pakka. She was actually happy. Amma agar convince ho gayi, toh Band Baaja Baarat !!
"Enna padichirukkaan ?"
"B.E mudichittu, ippo Satyamla work panraan..."
"Satyama ? antha company ellam izhuthu mudiyaache...Sambalam ellam correcta vaangaraana? Nee ozhunga check panniya ?"
"Athellam correcta thaan vaangaran..."
"Hmmm.. entha collegennu sonna ?"
"Mona Engineering College ?"
"Engadi irukku athu..?"
"Mannargudi pakkathula.."
"Ethu ? namma Thanjavur pakkathula irukkae, antha mannargudiya ?"
"Hmmm.. aama..."
"Naan unakku Harvard, Oxfordnnu maapla paarkalaamnu kanavellam kandaenedi... ippadi ellathaiyum pagal kanavaakittiyae di.."
"Ayyo, amma, polambaatha, please..."
"Raathi, Chandra ellam kai kotti siripaale di... Ponna valarka theriyalaennu pesuvaale di...Ippadi, aetho, Mona, Sonannu Engineering Collegela padicha paiyyan kitta poi mayangittiyae di... Tere liye toh, I was pakka, ki, Harvard Mapla, with M.S. and Green Card. Ippo, nee Mannargudikku Town busla poga poriyae ..."

My Amma was like total nautanki.
"Amma... konjam niruthirya ? Please.. Appa kitta nee thaan pesanum..."
"Appakku therinjuthunnaa, konne pottruva"
"Amma Amma... please ma... Nee ethayavathu solli adjust pannuma... Amma Amma please ma..."

My mom was like caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
"Petha paavam... Panni tholaikkaraen.." Amma said, palla kadichukittae...
"Thanks ma... Athukku en munjiya ippadi kadukadunnu vechurukka...Konjam sirikarthu.."
"Adiyae... unakku poi unga Appa kitta vakkalathu vaanga poraen paaru, enna sollanum.."

I was like all silent. "Thanks Ma... " I jumped. I gave her a hug, and rushed inside my room.
Inside my heart, I was "Yes, Yes, Yes !!! - Sandhyaji, iske saath, aap paar karti hain Pehla Padaav" I said to myself, in Amitabh Bachchan's rich baritone voice.
Outside my room, my amma knocked on the door. She then came inside and asked me the "Sawaal-saat-janmon-ka" -
"Paiyyanukku enna vayasu ?"
"23."
60 seconds
"Hmmm.... unakku...?"
"17."

I was totally Laal, Laal.
Amma, closed the door and went.

Before you proceed to read the rest of the story, Here are the most important facts that you need to know.
My name's Sandhya, Am all of 17 years and am a Tamil Iyer.
My (supposed) Guy's name is Ravi. He's 23. And a Tamil Iyer.
I live in Mumbai. He lives in Gurgaon.
And this was our story.
Note, how I said "was". Kadantha Kaalam. Enna aachunnu yosikireengala... Neengale padiyungalen ...

Intha pathinezhu vayasu ponnukkum, 23 vayasu paiyyanukku, eppadi "oru ithu" vanthathunnu ellam ketkaatheenga... Vanthuduthu... Avlo thaan... Seri.. ini kathai ... Actually, avan proposal accept pannu bothu, I was half scared that Ravi might be accused of Child Abuse or something. :)

Anikku night dinner, Amma, Appa, and myself were eating. Amma might break the news anytime. My heart was like shatabdi se fasta odikittu irunthathu. Knowing Appa's nature, enakku toh rombavae tension. Appa was like "antha pacha molagava konduvaada". Naan Ammava morachukittae kitchenukku ezhunthu ponen. Under my breath, I muttered to my mom, "Amma, aethavathu pannen.." Amma was like "Ennadi Munumunnunu... Sathama thaan sollaen.."
"Enna anga gusugusu..."

I ran to the kitchen to get the milaga. Atleast I was planning to stuff some in my mouth.
Amma then started, "Sandhyakku Ravi mela oru ithuvaama.."
I was like "Ammmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaa..." Atleast she could have put it across in a more decent manner. Petha ponnoda love-mattera ippadiya pottu odaikarathu.. "oru ithu", "oru athunnu"... nallava irukku...? Itna toh banta hai yaar...
Kaiyila saambar saadamum, potato curryum eduthu, vaaiyukku kondu pona kai, appadiye atha marubadiyum thattil vaithathu.
"Yaaru.. Antha Noida paiyyanaa?" My Appa had good memory power.
Naa kitchenlirunthu, "Gurgaon..."
Amma, "Ithukkonnum korachal illa... Pathinezhu vayasu thaan agarthu, athukullaiyum, lovvaamaa, lovvu.."
Enga Amma lovvunnu solrathum, enga vittu naai, "bownnu" solrathum, kitta thatta orey mathiri thaan irukkum.
Enga Appa, appadiye, enna oru looku, enga ammava oru looku..
"Enna en moraikireenga ?" My Amma, always had this feeling that my father always held her responsible for all my misgivings.
"Ellam neenga kudutha chellam thaan...inikku ippadi vanthu nikkarthu.." - I confided to Amma to defend me. She was now turning her weapons arsenal at me.
Appa was totally silent. Intha mathiri nisabdathula naanga saaptathey illa.
My ears were pounding. Everytime Appa opened his mouth, I was anticipating, "Ithellam namakku saripdathu.."
Surprisingly Appa romba quieta ezhunthu poitaaru. My Amma was now more surprised.
"Ennadi, ivlo periya kalla thooki pottrukom, manushan reactionae kaata maatengaraaru."
"Un purushanaache... appadi thaan iruppaaru... Po Po, Poi un purushana samaadaana paduthu ... Enakku oru mudivu therinjaaganum..."
"Ennadi nee ? Romba thaan thulra... TV la vara mega serial villi mathiri pesara... Vaala otta narikiduvaen..."
"Amma Amma, sorry ma... Poi Appava convince pannuma... Please ma... Please ma.. un ponnoda vaazhkai prachanai ma.."
"Ada chi... innum legal age kooda varala, athukullaiyum, unakkellam ennadi lovvu vendikedakku ?"
"Amma... please ma... purinjukkoyaen.."
"Adiyae, intha vishayam velila therinja, unga appavaiyum, ennaiyum, jailukku anupiduvaa di.."
"Appadiya.. ? Super po... Appo naan nimmathiya Raviya kalyanam pannikalaam... Entha newspaperla, un photo varanumnu sollu..? Thinathanthiya ? Thinamalara ? Nammalava ellarum Thinamalar thaan padippa, athulaye poda solraen.. enna ok va ma ?"

Enga Amma vitta lookula iravu kooda, kathiri-veyil mathiri irunthathu. Andru iravu kazhinthathu.

Appa, usually goes out for walks on Sunday morning. I had also woken up and had my horlicks. Paper padichittu irunthaen...
Enga appa en roomukku vanthaaru, Orey line thaan, "Walking poraen, neeyum varriya ?"
Appa enna walking ellam kooptathey kedaiyathu... Ippo kupidrarunna, aetho irukku... Thikku thikkunnu irunthathu. Chappala pottundu naanum kelambinaen...

Oru 4 kilometres nadanthirupom. My Appa didn't speak a word. I was like "Appa, kuch toh bolo" inside my heart. Appa didn't speak a word. We came home. Appa sat on the hall sofa silently. Amma brought coffee. They both exchanged glances. Aaha... toh kuch baat hui hai... I told myself, "Sandhya, yaa toh tu rone wali hai, yaa fir hasne wali hai... jo bhi ho, tere aankhon se paani ki dariya bahne wali hai... abhi se taiyyari kar le.." And I kept my most innocent and roni-si-surat and waited with bated breath.

Appa looked at Amma, and said with lot of bhaav, "What ? Will he come to see us, or is it via Skype only ?"
One small glimmer of hope now.
"Err... He.. come..."
"Enna.. mennu muzhungara..."
"Hunh... Sonna varuvaaru pa..."
"Varuvaara ? Paarthiya di, enna oru mariyaathai.. "avarukku".

Now my Amma's turn, "Ippo naan unna avan kitta pesa vendaamnu sonna.. unnala avan kitta pesama irukka mudiyuma ?"
I was thinking... Purushanum, Pondaatiiyum, nalla plan panni thaan cross-question panreenga... Arey, Pyaar hi to kiya hai... Koi gunaah thode hi kiya hai...
Then I replied, "Kashtama thaan irukkum... Aana pesamal ellam irukka mudiyaathu..."
Amma Appa exchanged glances. Then Amma was like, "Inga paaru, ippo unna pesa pdathunnu sonna, nee ketka porathillai... thiruttu thanama, ozhinju ozhinju pesa pora..."
I smiled at this part.
She was like, glaring at me. If I had been makhan (which I already was) I was already ghee.
"Sirikaatha di.. Asattu thanama sirikka vendiyathu...Neeyellam kalyanam pannitu enna panna poriyo..."
Then Appa spoke. "Ask Ravi to come and see us. Let us, as in Amma and myself, get to know him and his background, and then, If, IF, IF (he actually said this three times) everything is ok, we will take it forward..."
I was toh, totally beaming types.
Then he said, "But, if We don't like him, that'll be the end of Ravi chapter."
I was already having Ravi's number on speed dial. I dialled him then and there.
My Amma was looking at me, as if she was seeing me for the first time. I guess she was thinking, "Ponnukku thairiyatha paaru. Amma Appa munnadiye lovvarukku call panra..."
"Hi...Chellam...."
Itha kaetta udane, Amma Thiduk... Appa Thiduk... Ah... A million dollars for the expression on their faces..
"Appa has said OKKKKKKKKKKKK" I shouted over the phone...
Udane en Appa, "OK vellam onnum sollala... Paarkalaamnu thaan sonnaen.." He was trying to shout over my excited babble..
But I guess, I drained him out completely... :)
After the call, I told my Amma and Appa... "He is coming this weekend. Saturday evening 4 PM."
My Appa nodded his head. Amma was already planning the menu. Or was it really the menu ?
And I ran into the room, to talk to my Jaanu and that was when Appa spoke again,
"Ithu thaan saakkunnu, oorellam sutha koodathu... 9 PMkku veetla irukanum..."
And I was like "Seri pa... Try panraen.."

Aduthathu enna aachu ? Poruthirupome.. :) :D


Monday, August 1, 2011 by Hari
Categories: , , , , | 11 comments

Inside Wikileaks - My Time with Julian Assange at the World's Most Dangerous Website - A Review

One Book review after a really long time I guess. :)

Just finished reading "Inside WikiLeaks - My Time with Julian Assange at the World's Most Dangerous Website"
by Daniel Domscheit Berg.

When I first heard about this book, I was taken aback at the reaction the press had given. Most magazines had given the book, the treatment that one gives a disgruntled employee who has been kicked out of the organization. They had ignored it. In fact, tried to push into oblivion. For them Julian Assange was on his way to become The Time - Person of the year. And they could not bear to see anybody - or rather, any book, coming in its way.



Honesly before I read the book, I was of the opinion that Julian Assange was a "Hero" and Mark was a "Sucker"berg. I came to realize that both of them belong to the same category.

What I liked most about this book was the fact that its stripped of all the glamor and glory and glitz that we have and still associate with an organization like WikiLeaks. When I first heard of it, I thought, WikiLeaks was backed by a multi-billion dollar enterprise that was being given the cold shoulder by the United States of America.

The book is fresh. Fresh in every aspect of the word. It has all the makings of a movie like "The Social Network." In fact, this book will be a block-buster if made into a movie. It has all the elements. There hatred, enemity, jealousy, the thirst for power, friendship, relationships, affairs, money and above all, the search for Ultimate Control Over the world. It may sound like an "over-the-top" review of the book, but honestly the way the book has been written, talks tons about Daniel Berg.

The book describes a lot of Julian's characteristics in the form of short incidents. It also tells us about his pompous attitude (if I may call it that)

Julian could walk into a telephone booth and forget which direction he had come from when he came out again.

That was one of his (Julian's) favorite sayings: “The man in the uniform has to learn his lesson.”

“I am an Anarchist not because I believe Anarchism is the final goal, but because there is no such thing as a final goal.”

“the moment of truth” only arrives “when they come to take you away.”

“Do not challenge leadership in times of crisis,” was one of his favorite answers to any critical questions we asked.


Assange loved to work without looking at the computer screen, and typing furiously at the keyboard. He thought that...
Working without optical feedback, is a form of perfection. A victory over time. He finished what he was doing long before his computer did.

But this was also the main reason why the first major difference of opinion rose between Assange and Daniel Berg.
When sending out an email, Assange forgot to change the TO field into BCC. As a result of which everybody came to know, who else was receiving the email. And As Daniel Berg joking remarks, someone sent WikiLeaks their own "To" list as a document. This was the first and the only homegrown leak, that happened in February 2009. But this also raised questions on the very principle that they stood for. They had to reveal their own sources. That was what WikiLeaks stood for.
For good or for evil, we were going to have to reveal it. It was interesting because we had spent some time philosophizing about what would happen if we were compelled to publish something about our own organization. We agreed that we had to release things that were bad as well as good publicity. In fact, our internal leak went down well with the press. At least we were consistent and none of the donors complained.

The ultimate furore came up internally in WikiLeaks when they had made public the video footage that showed US Air Force Personnel, shooting down journalists and terming them as Terrorists. The video had an Oscar Wilde Quote as a title to it.
“Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.”

Daniel also explores why there are secrets among people. And the intrinsic need to "have" secrets.
One of the main reasons for secrets is people’s desire to share them only with a select circle and exclude everybody else. Fraternities are a very vivid example of this.

Working for WL taught me that secrets are almost never kept. I wonder whether there even is such a thing as a secret between two people. I think they are very, very rare. If a sentence began with the words “I’ll only tell you if you promise not to pass it on,” it was nearly a foregone conclusion that this promise would get broken in another sentence beginning with those same words. This sort of prelude only prevents a secret from being spread quickly; despite what people may have promised, the secret would still make the rounds in the end. Even if someone’s best friend or spouse were the one being told, the danger of revelation was there—at the latest when the two parties in question got into a fight.

And here comes the most critical part of Inside WikiLeaks. The final conversation that led to the ouster of Daniel Berg from WikiLeaks.
D: what are the agreements re iraq? i need to understand what the plan is there, and what the constraints are
J: “A person in close contact with other WikiLeaks activists around Europe, who asked for anonymity when discussing a sensitive topic, says that many of them were privately concerned that Assange has continued to spread allegations of dirty tricks and hint at conspiracies against him without justification. Insiders say that some people affliated with the website are already brainstorming whether there might be some way to persuade their front man to step aside, or failing that, even to oust him.”
D: what does that have to do with me?
D: and where is this from?
J: Why do you think it has something to do with you?
D: probably because you alleg this was me
D: but other than that just about nothing
D: as discussed yesterday, this is an ongoing discussion that lots of people havevoiced concern about
D: you should face this, rather than trying to shoot at the only person that even cares to be honest about it towards you
J: No, three people have “relayed” your messages already.
D: what messages?
D: and what three people?
D: this issue was discussed
D: A [Architect] and i talked about it, Hans* talked about it, B talked it, Peter* talked about it
D: lots of people that care for this project have issued that precise suggestion
D: its not me that is spreading this message
D: it would just be the natural step to take
D: and thats what pretty much anyone says
J: Was this you?
D: i didnt speak to newsweek or other media representatives about this
D: i spoke to people we work with and that have an interest in and care about this project
D: and there is nothing wrong about this
D: it’d actually be needed much more, and i can still only recommend you to finally start listening to such concerns
D: especially when one fuckup is happening after the other
J: who, exactly?
D: who exactly what?
J: Who have you spoken to about this issue?
D: i already told you up there
J: those are the only persons?
D: some folks from the club have asked me about it and i have issued that i think this would be the best behaviour
D: thats my opinion D: and this is also in light to calm down the anger there [...]
J: how many people at the club?
D: i dont have to answer to you on this j
D: this debate is fuckin all over the place, and no one understands why you go into denial [...]
J: How many people at the club?
J: In what venue?
D: in private chats
D: but i will not answer anymore of these questions
D: face the fact that you have not much trust on the inside anymore
D: and that just denying it or putting it away as a campaign against you will not change that it is solely a consequence of your actions
D: and not mine
J: How many people are represented by these private chats? And what are there
positions in the CCC?
D: go figure
D: i dont even wanna think about how many people that used to respect you told me that they feel disappointed by your reactions
D: i tried to tell you all this, but in all your hybris you dont even care
D: so i dont care anymore either
D: other than that, i had questions first, and i need answers
D: like what agreements we have made
D: i need to understand this so we can continue working
D: you keep stalling other peoples work
J: How many people are represented by these private chats? And what are there positions in the CCC?
D: start answering my questions j
J: This is not a quid-pro-quo.
J: Are you refusing to answer?
D: i have already told you again that i dont see why i should answer to you
anymore just because you want answers, but on the same hand refuse to answer
anything i am asking
D: i am not a dog you can contain the way you want to j
J: i am investigation a serious security breach. Are you refusing to answer?
D: i am investigating a serious breach in trust. are you refusing to answer?
J: No you are not. I initiated this conversation. Answer the question please.
D: i initiated it
D: if you look above
D: twice already
D: i want to know what the agreements are in respect to iraq
J: That is a procedural issue. Don’t play games with me.
D: stop shooting at messengers
J: I’ve had it.
D: likewise, and that doesnt go just for me
J: If you do not answer the question, you will be removed.
D: you are not anyones king or god
D: and you’re not even fulfilling your role as a leader right now
D: a leader communicates and cultivates trust in himself
D: you are doing the exact opposite
D: you behave like some kind of emporer or slave trader
J: You are suspended for one month, effective immediately.
D: haha
D: right
D: because of what?
D: and who even says that?
D: you? another adhoc decision?
J: If you wish to appeal, you will be heard on Tuesday.
D: BAHAHAHA
D: maybe everyone was right, and you really have gone mental j
D: you should get some help
J: You will be heard by a panel of peers.
J: You are suspend for disloyalty, insubordination and destabalization in a time of crisis.


Berg was sad at the way the media "used" WikiLeaks' cable leaks. They had used it for merely reporting trivial issues and targeting celebrity head of states. He gives examples such as ...
French president Nicolas Sarkozy was hypersensitive and authoritarian; Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin, an alpha male; German chancellor Angela Merkel, indecisive and uninspired; German foreign minister Guido Westerwelle, a greenhorn; and Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi, a vain party animal.

Julian had once mentioned in an interview “Now I am untouchable in this country.” Daniel Berg feels that,
No one should be untouchable. Not even Julian Assange. I cannot understand how anyone else can support this idea, even for a second.

A writer and professor of Political theory, Hefried Munkler wrote that
Someone who criticizes the fact that secrets always remain in the hands of a chosen few with power must answer the question of whether his (Julian's) publishing strategy truly makes them accessible to everyone. Is it not the case, that with the cables only the guardians of the secrets are being replaced?

Confidential information once kept under wraps by the US State Department and the American military is now in the hands of five large media companies and Julian Assange. They decide what is of public interest and what is not. The recent Cablegate publications are a far cry from the original ideas behind WikiLeaks. I think they stray much too far from those basic principles.

Before wrapping up the book, Daniel Berg raises quite a few pertinent questions.
• What is WikiLeaks’s financial situation? What have donations been used for? And who decides how money is allocated?
• What is the current organizational and decision-making structure? How are responsibilities divided up?
• What did Julian mean when he reportedly told the Guardian that he had a financial interest in how and when the diplomatic cables were published?
• What roles do WL’s representatives in Russia and Scandinavia, Israel Shamir and Johannes Wahlström, a father an son with a record of anti-Semitism, play at WikiLeaks?
• What kinds of deals have Wahlström and Shamir arranged with media outlets?
• Are there other WL brokers who have provided media outlets with material, and if so, on what terms?
• Do Julian Assange, other people involved with WikiLeaks, or their companies profit from any such deals?


I had a lot of respect for Assange before I read the book. Now I realize, I have none left for him. For the organization, Yes. They are doing a great job. Open Leaks (Created by Daniel Berg himself, 2 days after quitting WikiLeaks) has also joined the league now.

In the words of Daniel Berg,
OpenLeaks can be seen as a kind of sober, neutral infrastructure. We see ourselves as technological engineers, not as media stars or global galactic saviors. Some people may even think we’re boring. That’s just how we want to be. The main thing is that the system works.


As much as it is a case of a disgruntled employee, Daniel Berg raises the ever-pertinent question -


Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Who Will Guard the Guards ?



Friday, July 29, 2011 by Hari
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