Great Parliamentary Auction - Season 1

P.S:- This is going to be a long post.

I was seeing all the IPL Auction drama and I fell from my chair, holding my sides. The last three days, I have been laughing my heart out seeing Gautam Gambhir getting picked for 11 something crores and Dada and Jayasuriya being left out of the auction itself.

And when I saw the whole IPL- 4 Auction, and the 2G 'Spectrum' Scandal, I had this wonderful thought, which perhaps another biz-whiz of a generation before me, had originally thought of. Why not a public auction for our MP's. ?? I get to select who is the ruling party. Who gets a cabinet post. Who becomes an ordinary minister. Who becomes the Speaker. etc etc...

In 2004, Outlook brought out a special series, called "What If".

It remains one of my most favorite issues till date, and I have managed to preserve it quite carefully. One of the articles "What if Harshad hadn't been caught ?"

The article starts thus... (some portions have been edited for being contextually irrelevant and brevity)

The Initial Public Offering of the Lok Sabha in early 2002 was the best tribute the nation could pay to the memory of its greatest reformer. For several years, Harshad Mehta had single-mindedly planned the IPOs. He worked out the modalities and convinced MPs that it would be to their benefit to sell themselves (that wasn't too tough actually!). He persuaded investors that owning shares in a minister made as much sense as owning shares in a software blue-chip.

His grand conception of converting MPs into corporations has been universally hailed as a stroke of genius. In hindsight, it's simple. Harshadbhai saw individual MPs as "virtual, mobile corporations," generating profits during their respective terms in office.

As Harshad saw, it is possible to use a standard capital asset pricing model to value MPs in the same way as businesses. He created a sliding scale that has lowly Opposition backbenchers at the bottom and the PM at the top, with ministers, cabinet ministers and so on in between. The 540-share Empex tracks the daily fluctuations in their value.

By buying shares in MP, investors can get a share of the profits politicians generate while government becomes self-sustaining. The MPs get the IPO proceeds and have the responsibility of generating independently audited profits.

An incorporated MP has a greater incentive to perform: inefficiency may lead to low prices or even delisting. Social equity can be built in by fixing IPO allotment quotas for SC/STs, OBCs, pensioners, etc. By ensuring that anybody could own a piece of his/her favourite politician, Harshad cleaned up the political process.

Going by the current trends of scams and scandals, I was wondering what would happen if there was actually an auction instead of an IPO...

I let my imagination run wild, and here is the result.

I have planned to call it the "Great Parliamentary Auction - Season 1".
Of course, it has a special tag line that goes with it.

Such an illustrious Tag has to be inaugurated by somebody phenomenal. Somebody who is iconic for this kind of stuff.. and viola.. Yes, I got it...
I am planning to get this inaugurated by DarkhaButt and SirVangvhi, as they have remained iconic figures in this realm. That of screwing it up...
And yes, they get to keep a small portion of the profits in this auction.

Here goes my auction list...

In what appears to be a unprecedented first, the Prime Ministership Candidate MMS has not even been considered for the bidding.

We found Mr. Singh, sobbing and sniffing away his tears during the High Tea, when the Joint Parliamentary ‘laude’d the efforts of RAJA for the windfall bestowed upon them and wished RAJA all the best for the future,

He was later consoled by the Home Minister, who had apparently not only lost his ministry but also his home.

MMS later came on the dias and spoke a few words before he broke down completely.

His last words audible on mic were, “How could you do this ji (G) ? I had so much respect for you ji (G). That’s it from me. Only 2G’s.’

When later confronted by reporters, MMS said that,
‘I don’t know why this has happened ji. We should have a JPC probe on this ji. I will ask my friends to support me ji. I also ask people of India to pray that I get a backbone very soon ji.’

For a man with such wide accomplishments, NM had a relatively quiet auction. Apparently his ‘wide-spread-arm’ invitation to the TATA’s had worked in his favor, and he was quickly and swiftly bought by the Industrial Czar for 25 Crores.

Our sources indicate that NM was disappointed at the price tag. He was also enraged at the fact that TATA had insisted on paying the entire amount in saffron bundles that arrived from the Sabarmati Express.

We are also of the opinion that TATA had snapped up NM for such a low cost so that he could be ‘worked’ and he could be utilized for creating another ‘Jaam’shedpur at Godhra in Gujarat.

We could also see Karan Thapar and his (in)famous smirk in the hallway. Apparently he is the only one who knows.

The Irony is not lost on NM.

In the absence of AB, it suddenly appears as if even LK has decided to let the BJP go astray. With literally no support from his partymen in the auction, LK was suddenly left in the lurch.

During the lunch, there was a rumor going around the room, that LK had told his partymen, to get geared to be next ruling party.

However, the youth wing issued a statement that LK had a tendency to joke and that he was now getting out of hand. They even suggested that he must take part in The Great Indian Comedy Circus – Parliament Season.

LK remains un-auctioned.

An active participant in the politics of the nation, surprisingly the congress president refused to be part of the GPA – S1.

Her remark was that “Caeser’s wife should be above suspicion.’

Though it did raise eyebrows and set the pens writing forward as to who was the Caeser she was referring to, and what was the suspicion she was referring to, We have a nagging doubt that the G, Raj was talking about could be her.

Another Surprise in this Auction was that the Patriarch refused to be picked up.

The normally (un)stable and (in)sane Patriarch for once refused to be silenced by his party co-workers who were, incidentally, not allowed to be at the Auction location.

He even went to the point of abusing the security guards in Tamil and when confronted, laughed off saying that the guards were like his own ‘sons’…
At one point of time, he openly expressed his displeasure at the fact that “(I) am being ignored because I am a Dalit and a Tamilian at that.”

The show was not yet over for the DMK Patriarch. Staying in limelight, being the aim of the Father, the sons and the daughter, he continued his strong arm tactics even inside the Auction Room.

When a North Indian Businessman tried to overtake other bidders and bid a significantly higher price, he said, “This man is an Aryan. And a Brahmin at that. I will rather go to Jail and starve than to be bought by an Aryan who is a Brahmin.”

When a Srinivasa Krishnamachary and Sons tried to bid for the Patriarch, he was clearly miffed.
“If I see a snake and a Brahmin together, I would rather kill the Brahmin than the snake. Never. Never !!!”

Apparently the drama was not yet over.
Later in the day, when Kupparasan and Brothers’ Kaayilaankadai bid for the old man, he was clearly very happy and said, ‘Finally, my blood brothers will bid for me.’

When he came to know that Kupparasan and Brothers had money only enough to buy him and not his sons, He grew angry once again. He said,
“What sort of a father example would I be setting if I got bid before them ? Would not the coming generations taunt me ? As a father should I not arrange a good bidder for my sons ? The least that Kupparasan can do is to bid for my sons and daughters as well.”

But unfortunately the Kupparasan brothers were not running a family business, and after a heated argument with the Patriarch, left the bidding scene without contesting further…

Unfortunately for the Kazhaga-Thondargal , that Good Samaritan never came. And Hence the DMK Patriarch remains unelected.

Another key point in the GPA was that Radium had decided to get auctioned.

Three bidders were vociferously bidding for her, until it was found that they were her own company men. And that the companies did not exist.

Nonetheless, there was active bidding on Radium and soon it appeared that she was going to beat all other competitors (save Raj) hands down.

Rumor has it, that Radium was on call the during the entire duration of the auction and some suspect that she was actually manipulating the auction.

However, our investor friends tell us that her USP was her confidence she essayed when she had the mobile in her hands. And that her KSA (Key Strength Area) was that even inspite of the whole 2G episode, she had enough contacts and brute power to stay out of the legal mess. Sure, she had political clout.

Clearly she was powerful than the most powerful men in the government. And who knows ? The powerful men that we talk about, might just be puppets once she starts calling them.

CelTel bought Radium for a whopping 35000 Crores, a first, considering that Radium has neither political background nor a GodFather.

When our mediaperson approached the CelTel spokesperson, it was quite clear on where the onus was.

“We are planning to use Radium as our brand ambassador to promote our yet-to-be-launched mobiles. These mobiles are very special considering that you can choose to record all your incoming (or) outgoing calls, depending on plan. The best part is, that the phone comes with 32 GB memory which can store upto 160 hours of continuous recording. Adding to that is the new ‘Radium’ Battery that supposedly lasts for more than 9 hours of continuous time…..”

RAJ has broken all records.

First time that the 10000 Crore mark has been breached for the post of the Union Minister. Something unheard of...

All corporations, right from FMCG to Software Blue Chip companies were bidding for RAJ.

Apparently, the crowd bidding for him, knew that this man was capable of earning in Lakhs of crores.

With the latest 1.76 Lakh Crores Spectrum Scam, acting as a feather in his cap, RAJ was in his buoyant mood.

Finally RAJ went to an unknown bidder, known to us, only as G.

When asked RAJ about his anonymous bidder, RAJ only smiled at the cameras a mysterious smile and said, “I am thankful ji (G).”

He was unavailable for further comments.

DarkhaButt and SirVangvhi will remain as brand ambassadors of the GPA-S1. Known for their loose talks and often insipid news items that have consistently proven that they well deserve this position and the tag line.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011 by Hari
Categories: , , , , , | 2 comments

Comments (2)

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  2. Thanks Anon.. Sure.. will do that as well.. :)

    Thanks for visiting by...

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