Author's Note :: Kathaikkum Titlekkum Enna Sambandamnnu enkitta Ketkaatheenga !!
I decided that "this" was going to be the the title of this post, after a conversation that I had yesterday with the protagonist of this story. Some other titles that I had initially thought of were
Sundaran Neeyum, Thiruvaathirai Kaliyum
Arudra Darsinamum, Thiruvaathirai Kaliyum
Jaathagamum - Thiruvonam Avittam Sathayamum.
Paththula Guruvum, Ashtamathu Saniyum.
Roatla pora Saniyanum, Atha Baniyanla Vitta Kathaiyum.
(Er.. Forget the last one.. its already reserved for another post. :P)
But I preferred the one which I have right now..But come-on, Does it really matter ? :) :D
BTW, the real Sandhya Hates "How I Met Your Mother" :P
Sundaran Neeyum, Sundari Nyaanum - Part 1
The story so far...
Sandhya and Ravi have "fallen" for each other. Sandhya confides her love to her Amma, who (in the most indirect way) puts it across to her Appa. Her father agrees to see Ravi, and warns Sandhya that he will OK the varan only if he and Amma are completely satisfied with the boy's nature.
Saturday vanthathu ...
Amma toh bilkul tip-top dressed up. From 12 PM enga Amma appadiye, arakka parakka dressing thaan. Saturday anikku special Facial ellam vera. I was gaping at her. She didn't even dress up like this for events in her college.
"Ennadi paarkara ?"
"Paro, ennathu ithellam ?" Sometimes, I call my Amma by name, on days I think, we really bond -which is perhaps like Eid-ka-chaand types. Her name is actually Parvati and Appa actually used to call her Paro, during their courting days and for the period, till I was born. The only good thing is, after getting married, Appa didn't pick up the bottle. I picked it up from there - err.. not the bottle, and called Amma Paro, in typical Dilip Kumar and SRK ishtyle.
"Hey, chumma iru di..."
"Chic-nnu dress, kazhuthula necklace, thalaiyila dye, Paro, unna paartha yaarume, unakku 45 aayiduthunnu solla maata..."
"Adi vaanguva.. 44 thaan aagarthu..."
"Athu seri.. Ethukku ivlo make up ellam ? Ravi, enna thaane paarka varaan..."
Amma picked it up almost immediately, and I corrected it an instant too late .. "varaaru... varaaru.."
"Inga paaru di... Neenga ungalukkula enna venumnaalum konjikonga, vada-poda, jaanu, chellam, sweetheart, kondhey, enna venumo kooptuko, aana enga munnadi, intha konjarathu ellam vendaam..."
I knew Amma was a lecturer, but she was so-up-todate with college lingo, yeh toh mujhe pata hi nahin tha.
I was totally red in the ears.
"Enna ? puriyartha ?"
If I thought this was embarrassing, I was totally totally wrong. The worst, as they usually say, was yet to come.
And Amma was already playing mind-games.
Ravi came. Apdiye Pazham maathiriyae vanthaan. Thank God !! Varna toh, Amma would have munji suzhichified.
Waise this is another thing, that If Ravi came wearing Pattai and Veshti, she will say, "Ennadi ithu, Kovil Archagar mathiri vanthirukkaan"nnu..
My Amma introduced my Appa to Ravi.
"Ivar thaan enga aathukaarar, Sandhya oda Appa - Mr. Subramanian. "
"Hi Uncle, I'm Ravi !! "
Then there was this awkward silence.
"I am working in Satyam as Senior Technical Analyst"
"Oh !!" - That was my father. Aetho naanga yaarume avar kitta sollatha maathiriyum, avarukkae ippo thaan theriyavarra mathiriyum.
"Satyama ? Fraudu Company !!!" vera yaaru, enga Amma.
Round 1 - Score ::
Amma = 150 for hitting the First Ball for a Six and for taking "enemy at the gates" by surprise, + Bonus 10 points for using the "u" at the end of Fraud to make it totally Tam-Brahmical.
Ravi almost laughed. It was actually a condescending sirippu. I toh was totally face-palming. Amma hates people smirking.
"Fraud company ellam illa aunty..."
"Pinna ennapa, ithana perukku velai poiduthey..."
"Yethana perukku velai pochu unga companyla..." - Enga Appa.
"Enakku therinju oru 300 peru iruppa uncle"
"Sambalam ellam correcta vaangariya pa ?" - Enga Amma.
I felt like saying, Nahin, yeh khane peene ke liye ATM se paise churata hai.
"Athellam correcta thaan vaangaraen Aunty" - asattuthanama oru sirippu.
Amma hates to be called Aunty. Meri galti ki I didn't warn Ravi about this.
Round 2 - Score ::
Ravi = -25 for laughing condescending first, another -25 for that asattu sirippu, another -25 for calling Amma, Aunty.
Wanting to extend the conversation a little longer.
"Neenga enna panreenga Uncle ?"
"Avar Director, AppSoft"
"AppSofta ... Kelvi pattaa mathiryae theriyalae..."
Appa's face toh like raisin sukudufied. Amma was Surajmukhi murjhafying.
"Err... It's a startup" apdinnu my Amma covered up.
"Hmm.. Neenga enna panreenga Aunty ?"
Normally, if someone asks my mother where she worked, she'd say "Working as a Lecturer."
But yahaan toh izzat ka sawaal tha. And Hone-wale-Daamad ke saamne toh, bilkul no-vittukuduthfying. Ponnu aathukkaaraanna onnum salaichava illa.
So Amma Says, "B.Tech, Civil Engineering - Government College of Engineering, Tirunelveli"
Background musicum, Padayappa Ramya Krishnan style la Kaal-mela-Kaal pottu sollaalathu mattum thaan korai, matha badi, epdi irunthathunaa... Saami padathula, Vikram "AaruChamy - Deputy Comissioner of Police, Thirunelveli City" nnu solra mathiri irunthathu.
"Presently working as Lecturer in A.Q Engineering College." she completed.
Ravi was like shocked. "Oh.!!!" avlo thaan. It was Ravi's munji-chinnatha-poiduthu moment.
Round 3 - Score ::
Ravi = -100 for kichad uchaalofying on Appa's company. Another -25 for Second usage of Aunty. Net score = -125
Amma = +500 points for successfully Nilai-Naatufying-Ponnu-Aathukkaara-Maanam.
Oru Ball kooda vilaiyaadama HitWicket aana orey batsman, en Raviya thaan irukka mudiyum. I was toh totally kanna kaatufying. FacePalm onnu mattum thaan pannala. But as they say, if it is gonna happen, its gonna happen.
"Entha collegela padicheenga ?" My Appa was giving mariyathai and all. To the outsider toh aisa lagega ki he was giving all respect. But in reality, he was being sarcastic.
"IIT-Madrasa ? Illa Kharagpur a? IIT Kanpurna vasadhiya pochu ... En Naathanar ponnu, Sulochanavum anga thaan padikara"
"IITya ? Aiyyayo, IITkkum enakkum romba thooram Aunty. Naan IITlam padikala."
"Appo CEG Campusa ?"
The Blank look on Ravi's face said it all.
Two pairs of eyes look at each other in total understanding. No, those were not that of mine and Ravi. They were actually Amma and Appa's. I could almost see their eyes smirking.
Round 4 - Score ::
Appa = 20 for initiating the "oppukku-chappani" conversation.
Amma = 50 + Bonus 25*2 for nozhachufying IIT and Anna University in the conversation + 25 for bringing in the uravukaara angle in it as well. Total Score = 125
My Chellam - Yet to open Account.
"Appo enga padicheenga ?" Again mariyathaiyaamaa - enga Appa.
"Mona engineering college, uncle."
"Mona Engineering collega ? Where on earth is that ?" that was my Amma. With All Bhaav and Accent. You should see my Amma talk to her students. Athey mathiri she was talking to Ravi. Condescending is actually an understatement.
"Amma Appa ellam enga irukka ?"
"Sontha ooru Thanjavoor. But ippo Amma Appa ennoda Gurgaon la thaan irukka."
"Oh, Neenga Thanjavura ?" - Appa was genuinely interested to know that Ravi was from his region.
Amma gave him one morai. And he settled back to the newspaper.
"2008la naanga Thanjavur vanthirunthom. Ivar Mama paiyyanukku Kalyanam anga ... orey puzhuthi... Enga Sandhyakku orey Dust allergy. Hmmm, kalyanam pannindu eppadi adjust panna poralo ... " -My Amma trailed off.
My blood was boiling. This was so unfair. My Chellam was getting hit, left right and centre. :(
Round 5 - Score ::
Appa = +50 but due to "expression of interest in sontha ooru and result of which was Amma's Morai" -50, hence Net 0.
Amma = +100. For successfully keechad uchalofying on the Candidate's home town.
Chellam - Yet to open account in this round as well.
Then Amma continued, "Eppo pa B.Tech mudicha ?"
"Aunty, Naan B.Tech Illa, - B.E"
Round 6 - Score ::
Ravi : -50 (for the obvious reasons)
"Oh, B.Tech Illaya, B.Ea ? B.E - Computer Science is a good course any day you know."
"Aunty, Naan, Computer Science edukalai, Chemical Engineering."
Round 7 - Score ::
Amma : +25 (for Successfully destroying Candidate's credibility and confidence)
Ravi : -50 (for the obvious reasons)
"Hmmm... Eppo pa B.E. mudicha ?"
"2007 la aunty"
"Oh.. ippo thaana... three years back, Hmmm, Theriyuma 2007la thaan Sandhya kooda 10th paas panina..."
Shit. Ippo yaaravathu ithellam kaettala ?
Round 8 - Score ::
Amma : +25 - for successfully making the Candidate aware of his age.
Note :: Ithu varaikkum en Aalu oru score kooda positivea edukkala.
I said, "Amma..!!!!"
"Ennadi, Time evlo fasta poguthunnu sonnaen di.. "
Time to change topic.
"Ravi, Coffee Sapidriya...er... Sapidreengala..." Arey, bahut ajeeb lagta hai rey... Phone pe toh, we've fought and even maa-behn ek kar diya.. ab jaake enna vaanga-pongo-utkaarungo...Bingo Mad Angles Ad ke jaisa... Kuch bhi kya ?
"Illa parava illa"
"Enna parava illa, Amma, konjam coffee pottu konduvaayen.."
"En di, ithu kooda naan thaan pannanuma... Ithellam kathukkaama nee ellam maamiyaar aathukku poi enna koopa kotta poriyo"
Round 9 - Score ::
Amma = +25 (for successfully exposing my inability to cook or do any other kitchen activity). Bonus 50 for vambukku-izhuthifying my udupi mamiyaar. Net Score = 75
[For the uninitiated, udupi ~ corrupted form of "Would-Be"]
"Athellam paarthukkalaam Aunty... Onnum prachanai illa.."
Amma was like .."Oh.. serippa, unakku entha prachanaiyum illa, aana naalaikku unga aathukkaara yengala paarthu keliya pesa maataala ? Samaikka kooda kathu kudukkama, ava amma katti kuduthuttannu ?"
"Seri, ithukku thaan ippo Raviya vara sonniya ?" I asked.
"Sandhya, Ippo nee naduvula pesatha, let us talk.." - My father spoke. Ippo thaan avarukku nyabagam vanthathu pola, avar thaan ponnoda appannu.
When My Appa says, "Let us talk" trust me, it is like kuch bahut bada locha hone wala hai.
The next half an hour my appa was advising both of us. I was only hoping that it would not end up like "Dad Speaks, Ravi Listens and Sandhya Goes On."
For the uninitiated, Read this.
Oru conference roomla Bullet points pottu PPT podala. Bas usi ki kami thi. Mathabadi, all bhaashan only Appa was giving.
He was like, "Un vayasula, I was supporting my entire family. I was working for 16 hours a day. I had only two sets of clothes"
Now it was my Amma, "Pothum Pothum, neenga unga puraanatha start pannatheengo.. Ivar ippdi thaan pa... Yaaravathu kadaichutta pothum, ippadi mokka poda aarambhichiruvaaru..." - Note how Amma used college-lingo "mokkai" in the middle of the conversation. Hip hunh ?
Ravi started giggling. #EpicFail
Udupi Maamanaara kindal panna, as "Hone-Wala-Daamad" he should support na... Ulta, he also laughed.
Enna sollirukkanum.. "Cha cha, athellam onnum illa Aunty... Parava illa Uncle neenga sollungo.."
But what did he do ? He kind of aamothichufied what my amma said, which means, He agreed, that my father was one Mokkai Murugan, err.. Mokkai Subramanian.
Round 10 - Score ::
Appa = +50, for scoring some opening runs. And of course for that "apne-pairon-pe-khade-hona" story.
Amma = +100 for successfully luring the Candidate to the trap and successfully trapping him.
Ravi = -100 for indirectly calling my father a "Mokkai-Murugan" and falling into the trap laid out my mother.
Then of course, Amma was after his Kulam, Gothram, Jatti, Baniyan.
She did not even spare his onnu-vitta-chinna-athai's-maamiyaar's-naathanaar-peran.
End of the conversation she (and myself) realised that Ravi was related to me in a somewhat convoluted way. Irony was that it was not in some "athai-paiyyan", "maama-paiyyan" murai. More like Perippa/Chittappa Paiyyan..
Shit... This was not the way I wanted the conversation to go.
I kanna kaatified to Ravi to change the topic.
And change the topic he did. He looked at the framed photo, behind Amma. It was actually a color photo. And he said,
"Sandhya, you look a lot like your mom in that photo. And you look so beautiful"
I was about to say "Dude, that IS my Mom and yes, she is beautiful."
I was sure, Amma was about to say "Duh", but that is when Ravi had Guru-smiling-from-the-tenth-house in his horoscope.
Amma was all blushing. "He He.. Athu Sandhya illappa, Naan thaan. 10 years back eduthathu..."
Round 11 - Score ::
Amma = -25 (Yayyyy !!!) actually for letting down her guard.
Ravi = + 100 Appada... Finally some respite for Jaanu. Usne mori laaj rakh li. Knowingly or un-knowingly he uchi-kulurnthufied Amma. Hence Chellam opens the account !!! :)
"Oh... Neenga kutcheri ellam pannuvela maami."
I was thinking, "Dai, nee periya aala varuva da.. Correcta nool vidara"
Did you notice how he found out what was the weakest link ? and note the "maami" connect. Smart Guy, varna, how can he patoafy me ? Right na ?
"Kutcheri" and "Maami" were the two key-words that day. Platea kavukkarathu neenga kelvi thaan patturupeenga. I was witness to it that day.
"Acchcho... athellam illa da Kanna... Aetho nalla paaduvaen. Sathagam ellam pannuvaen. Sandhu kooda nalla paaduva.." -
I was thinking, "Kanna va ? Athu seri... Paro... ithellam konjam overa illaya ?"
When Amma is in good mood, she calls me Sandhu. So, it was clear, Amma was on cloud nine.
"Ava paadi naan kettrukaen aun..err.. maami.. Neenga paadi kaettathillai.. Enakkaga oru paattu paadungalen.."
I was thinking, "Ada paavi. Mera Haath maangne aatha hai, aur meri hi mummy pe line maartha hai.. Saala...Ithar kya Bold and Beautiful ka Audition chal raha hai Kya ? Meri Mom koi Desperate Housewife nahin hai.. kuch bhi kya ?"
He looked at me and his expression was like, "Main kya karoon Jaanu, ek ball se kitne sixer maar sakta hoon. Situation ke mutabik, game plan change karna padta hai yaar."
I kannu kaatufied that "Hmmm... seri seri... whatever it is, don't jollu vittufy too much. Her husband is also here."
Then I said to myself, "Beta, tu bahut door ki soch raha hai.. Lage Raho !!!"
Round 12 - Score ::
Amma = -100 for letting her guard down, and succumbing to "aaha-kkaaram".
Ravi = +500 (Massive victory for chellam in this round.. Yayyy !!!), +100 for getting Amma to call him Kanna, - 100 for line adichufying maamiyaar (chiii !!! solrathukkae kevalama irukku .. ) So Net Result +500.
Then toh Amma was like, "Paata ? Naana ?" Amma was like all Nakhra kaatifying.
I was thinking, "Hmmm... Paro, Nadathu Nadathu..."
"Naan paadi romba varusham aachu kanna.. "
I said myself, "Haan Haan... "Bombay"Parvati jo ho aap."
"Aun.. err.. Maami, enakkaga, oru rendu line.."
"Saathagam ellam pannama paadina, nalla irukkaathu pa..."
Ravi was immediately pouting, you know, jaise meri maa ke gaane se uska jeevan dhanya ho jayega types.
Now it was time for me to put an end to this nautanki.
"Amma, Paaden.. Chumma en ivlo bihu pannikira..."
Ravi grabbed the opportunity, "Illa Sandhya, parava illa, Its ok... Enakku kuduthu vechhathu avlo thaannu nenaichikiraen.."
Ada paavi... Inga paarra... Santhula Sindhu paadarathunna ithu thaana ?
"Seri, Aetho Ravi kaettathukkaaga..naan paadaraen"
I thought, "Nalla irukku Paaro, avan kekkara mathiri kekkarathum, neeyum bihu pannikarthum... adadadada.. Maamiyaarum, Marumaganum, Drama company nadathalaam."
I totally forgot Appa in this mess. I guess, He was oblivious to the entire drama. Poor fellow, this was perhaps the first time, since his marriage 20 years ago, that he got 20 minutes all to himself, without having to listen to his pondatti. And trust me, Appa made the best use of this opportunity. He dissolved into the newspaper.
Round 13 - Score ::
Amma = -100 for allowing Ravi to makhan-lagofy her.
Ravi = +100 for making Amma totally palta maarofy. +100 for his superior "grab-the-opportunity" skills. Net Score = 200.
Appa = Retired Hurt.
Then Amma sang. Ravi was totally "aaha-ohofying". I was thinking, "Abbey, chod na.. kyun paka raha hai."
After the song, "Aun..err.. Maami, supera paadareenga... Neenga Kutcheriyae pannalaam.."
Amma was all, "He He.."
I was thinking "All's well that's sings well".
Now that Ravi knew exactly what knobs to turn, he was playing Amma along. Then he threw in the next dhamaka.
"Maami, Antha photola irukaruthu, neenga thaana ?"
"Aama ppa.. Yen kekkara..."
"Illa Maami, 10 years aachunnu sonnengalae, ippo kooda antha photola irukira mathiryae irukeengale, athaan kaettaen.."
Ada paavi.. Muzhu poosanikkava kooda sothula maraichidulaam pola irukkae, ivan panra alambal thaangala da saami...
Now Amma was going to remember this for the rest of her life, making this particular statement as the topic of conversation. And if Ravi and I got hitched, this was going to be heard countless times by my kids. Arrrrggghhhh !!!!
My Amma started blushing. Just Imagine. BLUSHING !!! I was like "WTF". If the conversation had proceeded on the same lines for two more minutes, I would have BPL'ed Ravi myself.
For the uninitiated, BPL --> Bum Pe Laath.
But Amma also onnum chumma illa, "Santhu kooda appo 6th standard la thaan iruntha.."
Athaane paarthaen, Parova kokka... Rendu perum, orutharukkoruthar salaichava illa.
Round 14 - Score ::
Amma = -100 for urugifying for the photo comment. +50 for making comeback and reminding the candidate about this age. Net Score for Amma = -50
Ravi = +200 for successfully trapping the prey into the jaal. [Athavathu, (no-ball) SIX +(extra-ball) SIX !!] -50 for getting the "age-bulb". Net Score = +150.
"Saaptu po kanna... Santhu, saaptu po-nnu sollaen di" - Now toh Kanna was coming in every line from Amma's mouth.
"Illa Aun.. Err.. Maami... Parava illa... Friends ellarum wait pannuva... Naan kelambaraen.."
"Hmmm..Seri ppa.. un ishtam.." Amma half heartedly let him go.
Actually I am toh totally convinced that she wanted him to taste the sojji-bajji and get "Maami, Supera irunthatu.. Intha mathiri naan saaptathey illa... " makhan only. And Ravi was one Saapattu Raaman... I tell you.. Khair, woh sab baatein baad mein...
"Santhu, poi gate varaikkum kondu vittuva..."
Then, as Ravi descended the steps to our flat, Amma called out from Doorstep,
"Vodka ellam 2 shotskku mela saapta udambukku keduthal. Paarthu... Alavva... Seriya ?"
Ravi asked me under his breath, "Enna di ithu, nee ethavathu sonniya.."
I innocently shook my head. But internally I was happy. Ivan vitta jollukku, ivanukku ithuvum thevai, innumum thevai.
Then Amma delivered the parting shot.
"Next time, Facebookla photosa tag pannum bothu, vaanthi edukura photos ellam tag pannatha pa... Sagikkala..."
Shit. #EpicFail Moment for Ravi. Ravi was totally red in the ears. Amma na Amma thaan.. See how she waited till the last minute. I tell you, "Villathi Villi" only my mom is.
"Ahnnn...Apparam, Sandhya Amma naan kudikaratha kandupidichittannu romba feel ellam pannatha.. Its fine. Intha kaalathu pasanga ... You are bound to be like that." - Apdiye Lecturer impact.
Round 15 - Score ::
Amma = +200 for delivering the final knock-out punch. +50 for being tech-savvy and for stalking her "daamaad". +50 for giving the Lecturer Lecture.
Ravi = -50 for not being able to hide his weakness for Absolut Vodka !! Another -50 for vaanthi-eduthufying and tagging the photo on Facebook. Net score -100.
After all this drama, The final result is
Ravi = 500
Amma = 1025
Appa = Oppukku Chappani.
So it was clear Amma was the Winner of the Show-down !! With Amma delivering more knock-outs than what Ravi did, inspite of all his jollu vittufying and makhan lagofying.
Amma later came to me and said, "Intha paiyyan, enakku OK di. "
I was like "Unakku OK na ? Enakku puriyala. Correcta sollu. Un Purushan kochikka poraaru.."
"Romba pesara di... "
"Seri, vanthavana, er... sorry, vanthavara avlo asinga paduthina apparamavum, oknnu solriyae. Enakku onnum puriyalae..."
"Evlo adichaalum thaangikiraan di... Ivan Romba nallavan di.."
Later, I over-heard, Ravi telling his Best Friend,
"Machaan, Oorula pathu-pathinenju girl friend vechurukkaravan ellam santhosama irukkaan da, orey oru ponna love panni, ava ammava handle panrathukkullaa, naan padara avasthai irukkae... ayoyoyoyoyoyo..."
So, ippadi, enga Amma kittayae Nallavannu pattam vaangina apparam, vera ethukku waiting ?
Next Stop :: (En) Maamiyaar Veedu !!!
I had planned a Part 3 to this series. Which I believe will be the concluding part.
However, I am in no position to say whether Part 3 will be funny or sad or neutral.
If you'd like to read a part 3, please leave a comment !!! :)
Absolutely No Offence Meant to
Engineers from Colleges in Mannargudi,
Folks working in Satyam, and
Tam-Brahms who drink Absolut Vodka.
Chalta hai yaar.. :P :D :)